I used to spend the bulk of my time washing, feeding and cleaning up after my children.
Now it seems that I spend the bulk of my time washing, feeding and cleaning up after myself.
Who even am I?
I have no goals, no purpose, no anything.
All I have is a nagging, low-level headache that never seems to go away, and a gaggle of drawers and closets that need to be cleaned out.
Oh, but I'm a good whiner.
God, be merciful.
2 comments:
Ruth, I ♥ you.
You know that you and I are almost the same age but I still have young children at home. Sometimes their care absolutely overwhelms me. And yet....my youngest just turned four and it is so strange and different not to be pregnant or have a nursing baby or toddler. I am really good at having babies; I am really good at nursing and caring for toddlers. Some days, I feel "washed up", as if my purpose is behind me now and I wonder what I could find to do that is more fulfilling than creating and sustaining a human being.
If I want to have a career when my kids go to school, I should start cracking down now and pick up some area of study because my BA in psychology won't get me very far. But I doubt I will do that because it is too hard to have a career and have five kids at four or five different schools. In fact, it is too hard to do that even without a career.
So what I am trying to focus on now are just the little moments of pleasure throughout the week. Some moments I have had this week: a chance to sleep late, a wonderful dream, an unexpected phone call from someone very dear, a hug from a friend, and right now, the way the sun looks on the bare branches outside my window. I get more pleasure from these than I could ever have thought I would.
My mother has been emailing me about all her lunch dates with her friends. I think she has "lunched" four times in one week alone. It sounds so fun and so special to take time to connect like that. I have decided that when I am at a point when my responsibilities let up somewhat , I am going to find friends and then I am going to "lunch". I hope one of the friends will be you, Ruth, or if we never meet, someone like you.
I would love to have lunch with you! Or maybe brunch. Brunch is good because sometimes lunches get cramped by the high school bus which arrives back at 2:37. And breakfast is too early. A 10:30 a.m. brunch with lots of good tea sounds just about perfect! :)
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