I used to have a friend who had a wall hanging that said, "Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." Or maybe it was her mother-in-law who had that wall hanging and she just told me about it. I wouldn't know, since I've lost my mind.
Just the other night I had a burning need to look something up on Google. I was sitting at the dining room table, in front of DJ's laptop, and I couldn't figure out how to use it. So Jon reached over and poked it a little bit, and before you knew it, there was Google, ready and waiting for me to type my question into the search engine. The problem was, I couldn't remember what I had needed to know. I sat there and tried to remember, thinking as hard as I could for about 20 seconds before Jon became impatient and bored and asked if I wanted to see some really funny youtube stuff. Heartsick, I declined his offer and went to bed.
I think I have adrenal fatigue. I think it came on during the time when my kids were little, probably particularly when we all had chicken pox together.
They say bearing offspring makes cats and dogs mellow out and get calm. The opposite has happened to me. I have turned into a wreck. Don't get me wrong, I love my children more than life itself and would not trade being a mom for anything. It has just been hard on me. I have lost confidence and capability that I used to have. I am nervous and tired and worried all the time. I feel as though I am walking along the very edge of the precipice of life and could pitch over at any point.
Sometimes I get into a state where I think, "if only..." If only I lived closer to my extended family and had a tighter support system. If only I had more close friends. If only my husband were a different personality type. If only my kids slept better or got along better or obeyed me more. If only I were a stronger person, physically. If only my church was more tuned in to my needs... if wishes were fishes and fishes could fly.
Nobody has a perfect set of circumstances. "If onlies" are a trap from the devil to make us discontented when the Bible clearly tells us to be thankful, and to give thanks always. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-17 says, "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6 says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."
When I allow myself to think, "if only," I am not giving thanks.
Lord, please give me a thankful heart. Please equip me with every gift I need to do the good works You have prepared in advance for me to do (Ephesians 2:10). Please help me to put my trust in You and to find all my strength in You (Psalm 28:7). Please help me to remember the things that are truly important. Please bless my family, my friends, my community and even the whole earth... may Your will be done. Amen.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
So at a point where I am feeling very stressed, in my daily devotional I read, "Jesus replied, 'No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.' " (Luke 9:62) Is this the Lord's sense of humor, or am I really that awful? Needing some grace today. Maybe a lot.