Communication issues

Communicating is a very tricky business.

We understand that cell phones have bad reception sometimes, and computers go down.  These make for breakdowns in communication.  We do not always understand that two people can be standing face-to-face, speaking to each other, and still have a breakdown in communication.

Here's the deal:  communications are multilayered.  I'm sure I'm actually oversimplifying here, but I think there are three important layers to understand in communications.

First, there is what you are trying to communicate, the thoughts and feelings in your own mind.

Second, there is what you actually do communicate, the specific words you speak.

Third, there is what the person hears and understands you to say, the other person's interpretation.

If you are able to find good words that appropriately express what is in your head and heart, and the person with whom you are trying to communicate hears your words and interprets them to mean what you meant them to mean, then communication is going pretty well (although you could still disagree).  However, this is not always (or perhaps even often) the way it works out.

Remember that in any event, what you take away and what the other person (or people) take away from any given interaction could be quite different.  This is not because one person is right and one is wrong, or because one person is crazy and one is sane.  It's just that every individual is most in tune with his or her own perspective, and (therefore) every individual is convinced that he or she is the one who is right.

Don't be stuck in your own head, insisting on your own perspective.  It doesn't matter, and it doesn't help.  The important thing is to arrive at a place where you and the other person have a mutually understood experience.

*Ask clarifying questions!  "This is what I hear you saying. . .(restate what you think you heard).   Is this accurate?"  Please, do not assume that your "hearing" is accurate; don't ask this question sarcastically or in order to trap someone.  Ask honestly.  Give the benefit of the doubt.  Also, remember that it doesn't only depend on your personal hearing/interpretation.  The other person may have been clumsy in articulating what was in his/her heart to say.  Don't insist on clinging to the exact words the other person said, taking offense, and refusing to dig deeper to discover what he/she really meant.  Especially when people are upset, their words often do not come out right.  Graciously assume the best, and ask clarifying questions.

*Make a conscious effort to try to imagine what the other person is thinking and feeling.  Stop and think through his/her perspective of the situation.  Really.  Take the time to do this.  This is an example of how not to be selfish.  If this is going to take you some time, say, "I need to think through this by myself for a few minutes. I need to try to think through things from your perspective.  Can we take a break by ourselves for fifteen minutes, and then come back together to continue this discussion?"  This can diffuse a lot of trouble.  First, a break is good.  However, just storming off on your own for a break is not good.  So talking about the break, and setting a time to reconvene, is very respectful and helpful. Additionally, you can make the other person feel much more hopeful and much less defensive if you actually communicate that you are intentionally taking time to think through the issue from his/her point of view, instead of just assuming that he/she is wrong, and tearing him/her down.  Be sure you really do consider the opposing point of view, and don't just say you're going to, while actually focusing on crafting your own argument.  You should also pray during your break, that God will show you truth, and help you communicate with love.

*Remember that "winning" isn't winning.  Humiliating the other person in order to come out on top in an argument will not do good things for any relationship.  If you have "won" arguments in the past, you know this is true.  True winning is when you both finish with a better understanding of the other person's perspective, and you both feel respected, understood and cared about.  It is hard to say that you're sorry if you think it means that the other person will rub your nose in it afterwards.  However, even if you will get a nose-rub, it's still better to apologize.  If you do something wrong or unkind and get away with it, that's a "cheat," and it won't bear good fruit in your relationship.  Ask yourself: Am I being respectful?  Am I being kind?  Am I being honest?  Ask yourself these questions no matter which side of the argument you are on.  If you are the one who receives an apology, accept it with humility and grace, and assure the other person of your love and acceptance.  A true win is when both parties make progress in expressing and receiving love and respect from each other.  A true win comes from patience, honesty, unselfishness, humility, kindness and forgiveness. . . which amazingly culminate in joy.

Legacy words

Back in September, I had a lupus flare.  It was bad.

At one point, I thought I was going to die.  Of course, nausea always knocks me for a loop and makes me feel tremendously aware of my mortality.  I probably was not nearly as near to death as I felt, but notwithstanding, I thought I was going to die.  Nausea, purging digestive system, fever, chest pains, headache, backache, shortness of breath, congestion, ringing ears, heart palpitations, dizziness, swollen glands and lymph nodes, you get the idea.  I remember sitting in the bathroom with my head against the wall and tears running down my cheeks because I was sure I would never hold a grandbaby in my arms.  My thought was, "I wanted to write them each a letter, but I guess I didn't get the chance."  I was thinking about my beloved children.

I told God, "It's okay.  It's okay.  You are sovereign. You can take better care of them than I can."  And of course He can.  I have failed more often than I have succeeded, and He is the one who holds them in the palm of His hand.  He is the one who knew their life stories before they were born. He is the almighty God of power and wisdom and might.  It truly is okay, even though it may not have been what I was hoping.

Then I recovered!  I've been doing quite well.  I might still be around to play with the grandchildren after all, and tell them that I love them, and nurture them with the grace and patience I lacked as a young mother.  I would be so grateful to be able to do that.

Most days, I don't think about writing each of my children a letter (the way I did when I thought I was dying), a letter full of all the important things I should have told them, celebrating their gifts and abilities, exhorting them to surrender their weaknesses to Christ to be transformed into their most powerful assets.  You don't remember that the roof leaks except when it's raining, right?

Today I want to write a general letter, something for all my children.  No personal secrets will be addressed here, nothing private, just my heart desire for my children, my family.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * 

Dear ones,

How I love you.  Not a day goes by when I don't think of each of you, multiple times.  So many things bring you to mind: a container of food in the refrigerator, the shiny black piano, the adorable dog, a book on a shelf, a song, a sweatshirt, a container of moisturizer, a candle, a blanket, a TV show, a scent in the air outside, the slant of the sun through a window, a photograph (of course).

My love is flawed.  I made many mistakes, for which I am grieved.  Perhaps as you grow older and experience more of life, you will be better able to understand and to forgive me.  Please try to remember good things, fun times when we laughed around the table over plentiful meals, late nights when you came into my room to talk as I lay in bed before I fell asleep, times when life was vibrant and hope was natural and we had victories, successes, joy.   Remember how I read you the Chronicles of Narnia and broke down weeping every time Aslan wandered into a sentence, much to your consternation.  Please remember how hard I tried, understand how much I loved, and believe how hard I prayed.

Oh dear children, forgiveness is so important.  We must all forgive one another as God has forgiven us.  Forgiveness is grace, and we cannot live without it, because none of us is without need of being forgiven.  We all mess up, we all make mistakes, we all sin, and therefore we all stand in need of grace from God and from each other.

Forgive those who have hurt you.  People hurt each other; it is the way of a fallen world.  The Bible tells us that love covers over a multitude of sins.  Anger and condemnation do not fix sin.  The only way to overcome sin is by loving, so love, give grace, forgive.  I am not yet proficient at this, but I am learning, and the more I learn, the more I discover the blessings of grace and forgiveness, both given and received.  Jesus died so we can be forgiven, and so we can forgive.  It is costly to forgive, but it is priceless to be forgiven.

Another thing: never judge God by those who call themselves Christians.  Many have claimed the name of Christ but have not walked according to His purpose or His plan.  Jesus said that all men will know who His disciples are because of their love for one another;  yet, people constantly fall short of loving one another.

So here is my advice:  Read your Bible.  Read it often.  Read all of it, not just your favorite parts.  Read it with an open heart, praying that God will reveal Himself and His truth through His Word.  Please do not claim that God doesn't speak to you, if you are not reading His Word.  Read your Bible and listen for God's voice, seek His face.  Then, on the basis of God's Word, be discerning about those who call themselves Christians.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this: Use the Word of God to determine whether people are really God-followers.  Do not use people who claim to be Christians to determine whether God is relevant or good or real.  People are so fallible, even the ones who are honestly trying to do what is right.  People must never be your standard of measurement.  Only scripture should be your standard of measurement.

At the same time, be diligent in your own life.  The famous Oswald Chambers book is called My Utmost for His Highest.  The title alone is a worthy sentiment.  We must strive in the utmost to accurately reflect the glory of God to a fallen world.  Although we should not measure the worth of God by the worth of His people, we must recognize that the world will do this, and as bearers of His name, we must pray daily that He will shine His love, compassion, kindness and glory out through our lives.  We are ambassadors for Christ, the only "Bible" many people will ever read.

Too often, churches lambaste their congregations with admonishments to go out and share the good news of the gospel, but I think they fail to realize that it is not our glib recitation of a gospel acrostic that will bring people to a saving knowledge of Christ.  It is Christ in us, the hope of glory, the beauty of God revealed in the redeemed lives of His loving saints.  Live a life worthy of the Lord who has called you.

I know, I know.  I have failed in this task seemingly countless times.  I have been unforgiving, bitter, critical and angry.  I have lost my temper, and I have failed to trust the Lord.  I have been unloving and unkind; I have both spoken and acted in sin.  I have been prideful, arrogant, haughty, and I have also been fearful, discouraged and despondent in the manner of one who must have no faith at all.  And yet, when I confess my sins, He is faithful and forgives me, cleansing me from all my unrighteousness.

I think you can learn something from my experience here:  Never give up on the power of God's forgiveness.  You may need to humble yourself over and over again in asking for it, but never give up, because He promises that He will never stop forgiving and cleansing.  He is so pleased when we come trembling before Him in humility, asking for His help to do what we can never do in our own strength.  He loves us so deeply, we will never understand, but we must run to Him in faith.

Lastly (there is much more I'd like to say, but I have gone on far too long, so I will end with this), seek His joy.  God wants us to have fullness of joy.  Jesus came to bring us abundant joy.  Although He warns us that in this world we will have trouble, although the New Testament is full of words to encourage perseverance through suffering, still: Knowing God is truly the way to joy.  In fact, it is the only way to true joy.

Psalm 37:4 (ESV) says, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."  This is a most beautiful and potent promise.  Be careful in how you apply it; it does not say, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and then as a reward He will give you whatever you wanted in the first place."  No!  It says that when the Lord Himself is your delight, then He will give you the desires of your heart.  One might surmise that if the Lord is your ultimate delight, then your ultimate desires are related to His presence in your life, the opportunity to apprehend His glory, and the coming of His Kingdom.

Ezekiel 36:25-27 speaks of how the Lord promises to give His people new hearts that are inclined to love Him and to follow Him, actually cutting out our hearts of stone and replacing them with hearts of flesh.  Pray for that kind of heart.  Pray that God will make you love Him--delight in Him--desiring what He desires, rejoicing in the things that cause Him to rejoice.  

Pray that the Lord will mold your heart to love righteousness and hate evil, and that even in hating evil, you will be filled with His compassion and lovingkindness for a lost and blinded world.  Pray that you will be like Jesus: faithful to the Father, tender toward the oppressed, and courageously confrontational when those who bear His name do so in an unworthy manner.  Pray that He will be real to you, that He will show you signs of His presence and goodness every day, that He will reveal His beauty and His way through His Word (and pray that He will give you an unquenchable thirst for His Word).  Pray that He will fill your heart with assurance of His love and His faithfulness and the inevitability of the completion of His Kingdom, that you will have steadfast hope resulting in daily joy.

Don't worry about this life.  Comforts will come and go.  There will be times of plenty and times of want, times of safety and times of oppression, times of gain and times of loss.  In His strength, you can weather it all, and through it all there is hope, and His constant abiding presence.  Nothing and nobody can ever take away your hope, the faith with which He has imbued you, or His abiding presence.  And when we arrive at the end, everything will be okay, marvelous, in fact.  At the end, we will live with Jesus in perfect paradise, forever, and there will be no more danger, fear, pain, sorrow, shame or death ever again.  All the brokenness of this world will pass and be replaced with comfort, safety, health, light, love and everlasting life.  He promised, and He is faithful.  So be joyful and hope in the Lord.

With all my heart,
mom

On shyness

I'm shy, so this is preaching to myself, and if you are offended by what I say here, then please at least realize that I don't like it either, but I think it's true.  Furthermore, I believe that truth is more important than palatability.

Elizabeth Eliot said that shyness is really only a form of selfishness.  I was unable to locate this quote; it may have been in an article and not a book, maybe even a magazine interview or something.  Additionally, my exact wording is probably inaccurate.   All I know is, I read it, and it was attributed to Mrs. Eliot, so whether or not you tend to agree with her, I'm trying to give credit where credit is due.

Also.  Let's just think about that statement: Shyness is really only a form of selfishness.

Shyness is a form of selfishness.

In what way is shyness selfishness?  Let's list some of the ways:

1.  When I am shy, I focus on my own feelings.  I am uncomfortable.  I am afraid to speak.  I don't want to be around these people.  I don't think anybody is being very nice to me.  I.  I.  I.

2.  When I am shy, I often think that I am the center of the universe and everybody is looking at me and sizing me up, and it is all about me.  Me. Me. Me.

3.  In assuming that I am the center of the universe and focusing on my own feelings, I neglect to think about others, their concerns, fears and feelings.  I think that others ought to make me feel comfortable, neglecting to understand that I, also, have a role in making them feel comfortable.  In so doing, I put my own needs above the needs of others.

4.  When I put my own needs above others, I begin to self-protect, to defend, to insulate.  My priority is to protect myself from being hurt, and I forget to think about the collateral damage this may cause, how in protecting myself I am liable to hurt others. 

Back in the day when I was a little girl growing up, I had a friend who was shy.  She was the sweetest thing, and much more shy than I.  In Sunday school, if the teacher asked her a question, or if she had to go to the front to drop birthday pennies into the bank, she would turn beet red.  Beet red.  And she would not speak.

She was shy for years, and we went from feeling painfully sorry for her to being used to her.  But then one day (I'm not sure if it was towards the end of high school or the beginning of college), she changed.  She became a wonderful conversationalist, a confident, caring, friendly person.

One time we had a conversation about this, and she said, "I just realized one day, I have to get control of this and stop thinking about myself and start thinking about other people."  So she started listening to other people.  And asking questions.  And listening to the answers and asking more questions.  Eventually, she also started sharing her own thoughts and feelings.

Most people want friends and relationships as much as you do.  Most people are dying for someone who cares enough about them to ask them questions about what they think, how they feel, what they've experienced.  Most of us are on a path together longing for emotional intimacy with our fellow man.  But many of us are afraid to step out and make the first attempt to connect.

We fear rejection so deeply, we isolate ourselves.  Which is crazy, because isn't isolation exactly the thing that we fear as the end result of rejection?

Now, clearly there are people who are only in the world to figure out whether they can use you to get ahead, and whether a relationship with you would benefit them.  If associating with you will help them climb the proverbial ladder, then they are all in.  But if associating with you will not get them ahead, may not result in any payoff at all, then they don't want to have anything to do with you.  You aren't good looking enough, or rich enough, or cool enough, or hip enough, or smart enough, or amusing enough, or whatever enough, and so they are uninterested.  Guess what?  You don't have to worry about them.  They aren't the kind of people who make good friends.  Their rejection will actually free you to find better friends elsewhere.  So go ahead and take the risk!  The only thing you have to lose is that you might be rejected by people you'd rather not invest in anyway.  This is a big win-win.

For adults, it is mind over matter.  Most adults have learned to be polite.  Just take your good manners to the next level and be honestly interested in people.  Try to figure them out, learn about what makes them tick, learn how to make somebody happy, and then do something to brighten her day.  Stop thinking about what makes you feel comfortable and focus on figuring out how to make somebody else feel comfortable.  When you do this, you will be astounded by how much happiness you can bring to people, and in return, how much joy you will experience yourself.

If you have shy children, help them by constantly exhorting them to think about others.  Teach them to be aware of others' feelings.  Say, "How do you think it made her feel when that happened?"  Ask, "What do you think he was hoping when he did that?"  Remind, "People like it when you smile at them!  It makes them happy!"

There may even be times when it is appropriate to tell your children, "You know how you feel awkward when the teacher calls on you in class?  Well, you make Steven feel that same sort of awkwardness when he asks you a question and you won't look at him.  And you hurt Nicole's feelings when you run away while she is trying to share her toys with you.  Even if you think you feel awkward, it is your job to be respectful and kind to others."  A shy child does not need to share stories and anecdotes or talk about his feelings, but he does need to learn to say hello and excuse me and thank you.

Explain that shyness is not an excuse for poor manners.  Good manners are a way that we express respect and kindness to others.  To be rude in the name of shyness is really very selfish indeed.  This goes for children and adults alike.

We are all magnificent creations of God.  He loves us with a love that stretches far beyond any love we could ever hope to express.  He did not try to protect Himself in any way, but laid Himself bare, first by emptying Himself of His divinity and taking on human flesh, then by dying an excruciating death while bearing all the collective sins of the entire world  (Philippians 2:6-8).

Jesus' love for us gives us security and confidence, and it also sets a pattern for us.  Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus, the Bible says in Philippians 2:5.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. 

Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 

not looking to your own interests 

but each of you to the interests of the others.  

Philippians 2:3-4, NIV

That is the antidote to shyness.

On dating (hahaha)

So I finally got around to reading this post that was linked in my sidebar:

Of Course Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed

And I also read the post that this blogger linked to in her post, saying, "The arguments in this article are so fundamentally flawed, one has to wonder what sort of homeschooling education produces this logic, or what social bubble spawned the idea that 'courtship dads' are more abusive than others."

I actually liked the post she (The Christian Pundit) was refuting better than I liked her post.  I also think it is telling that Thomss Umstattd Jr. leaves his comments open while hers are closed. (Even though a lot of the comments are ridiculous; it still shows a graciousness of character to allow them.)

Here's my take:

Number one--Everybody is different.  You can't make a one-size-fits-all rule and demand that all relationships begin by following this prescription.  You just can't; it's stupid.  Yes.  Stupid is not too strong a word.

Number two--Who cares what you call it?  I'm sure those who make up the rules and write the lists have very definite definitions of "courtship" (which probably mostly means that people take steps to be honest and pure) and "dating" (which in those same rule writers' minds is something that oozes with sex and deceit and lack of constancy).  But that's just stupid too.  Nowhere is it written that every date is a dangerous encounter with a wicked person who wants to get all he (or she) can from you while promising nothing.  Many people are open, honest, friendly and pure as they go out for pizza and start to get to know each other... and they call it a date.

The point is this:  if you are a single young Christian rambling along through life, either actively or passively waiting to meet the life partner God may or may not have for you, you need to do several things:

1.  You need to remain morally pure.  No sex outside of marriage.
2.  You need to be honest, with yourself and with others.
3.  (and this should probably be #1 rather than #3) You need to trust in the sovereignty of God:
     > be patient,
     > do not panic and marry the wrong person out of desperation,
     > be at peace as a single person,
     > do not insist on forming your self-image around whether you do or do not have a romantic relationship in your life,
     > put the desire to serve God with your life above everything else.

There are corollaries to these, like talking to trustworthy advisers--parents or pastors or godly friends--and listening to what they have to say.  Like hedging your purity with safeguards.  Like being accountable to someone.

However, none of these corollaries should ever be hard and fast rules, because that is legalism.  Yes.  I do not like to throw around the word legalism.  Often people use it as a derogatory term for those who are concerned about obedience to the Lord.  Obedience to the Lord is not legalism.  Making up rules about how to "do" a relationship with the opposite sex is legalism.

Yes, you should honor and respect your parents, but no, you should not always "obey" them after you are an adult.  They shouldn't be demanding your obedience after you have become an adult, unless you have specific circumstances (e.g. Down's Syndrome) which would indicate that you need a lot more direction than the average person.  Parents must not hold the "I-am-your-mother/father-and-you-must-do-as-I-say" card as a tool for manipulation of adult children.

There comes a time in all of our lives when we are responsible for our own decisions.  Our parents must step back and let us fail sometimes -- or, if we are the parents, we need to step back and let our adult children learn directly from God, without us getting involved and trying buffer every lesson.  Everyone learns best that way.  And (get this) God is able to teach people all on His own.

Adult children can ask their parents for advice, but that is what it is: advice.  Not law.  One lady I know calls it "sharing wisdom."  Parents can share their wisdom forever, but there comes a time when they must recognize that it is no longer appropriate for them to make rules, demand cooperation or institute consequences.  Not appropriate.  (Unless there is physical abuse, in which case, by all means, somebody call the police.)

Whether you call it courtship, or whether you call it dating, it doesn't really matter.

You need to love and obey God. 

You need to have respect for the other person, and a willingness to serve and sacrifice.

You need to be ready to leave and cleave (and the way some families handle what they call courtship, this end goal is very severely hampered... but I've seen parents of children who "date" mess this up, too, so like I said, basing it all on a couple of terms is ridiculous).

You need to be self-controlled, faithful and pure.

The Bible is surprisingly silent on specifics sometimes, and I think this is because every person is different, every culture is different, every situation is different.  We like specifics because they are easy; they give us a checklist.  The harder work comes when we really have to think deeply about principles and how to apply them in our lives... but this is what we have to do.  We have to read the Bible, and think, and pray, and then obey.

And we need to avoid generalizing what worked for us into something that we think everyone else must do.  Like I said, we can "share wisdom."  But after we have, we need to leave room for the Holy Spirit to work directly in the other people's hearts and minds.  That's the only way their righteousness will ever count, anyway.

On Beauty (or, finally, the final "Good-bye girls" post)

While shopping in my local Walgreens the other day, I walked past a display of beauty products based on Disney villainesses.  What?  Because mean beauty is the most powerful beauty?

It reminded me of a slogan I saw pasted on Facebook a few weeks ago:  "Today, dress like you're going to meet your worst enemy!"  The idea, of course, is that you need to look your best when you enter social combat.

This makes me profoundly sad.  I do not believe that God made beauty so that it could be used as a tool to frighten, dominate or intimidate others.

What is true beauty, and how should we seek to achieve beauty in our own, personal appearance?

The Bible says, "Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious." (1 Peter 3:3-4, ESV).  That's nice, and certainly true, albeit a bit difficult to apply directly to one's morning routine.

I have been thinking on this topic for a long time, ever since I began the "Good-bye girls" series over two years ago.  Because I am not what you'd call a beautiful woman, and I am certainly not stylish, it has taken me this long actually to broach the subject.  Of course I am unqualified, but I will try to share three principles of beauty that I think are important.

(1)  

You should strive to bring glory to God through your appearance, because the Bible tells us that whatever we do, we should do it all to the glory of God. 

(1 Corinthians 10:31)

This has numerous applications, but the most obvious ones are...

(a)  You should care for your body respectfully as the temple of God.  Be clean, well-groomed and as healthy as possible.  Eat wisely, sleep wisely, exercise wisely.  Remember that your physical appearance is the first thing anybody ever sees, and if you belong to the Lord, then people's judgments about how you look will be related to their judgments about Christians in general.  Be a good testimony to the grace of God by presenting yourself well, but not in such as way as to draw undue attention.

(b)  Since, as we mentioned, your physical appearance is the first thing anybody ever sees, craft your appearance with care to help people be drawn to the Lord rather than pushed away from Him.  Paramount here is modesty.  Be careful to dress in a manner that does not tempt a man to think about sex.  You can look very pretty and pleasant without looking like a sexual object, and you should strive for that aim.   If in doubt, cover it up.

(2)  

You should be considerate of others when preparing your appearance.

We already touched on this with modesty.  You are being considerate of others' thought lives when you dress modestly.  In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus told men that they are sinning, committing adultery in their hearts, if they look on a woman and lust after her.  You can be considerate of men by not tempting them to this sin by the way you dress.

You are also considerate of others when you dress in a way that makes them feel comfortable.  Don't try to outdress everyone when you go to a social event, but don't wear something distractingly casual, either.  Have a good idea of what the dress code is for various situations, and dress accordingly.  Wear rugged work clothes when you show up to help someone rake his yard, so he doesn't feel guilty for asking you to be hard on your good clothes.  Wear something neat, classy and professional when you make a presentation.  Wear bright clothing with fun patterns when you will be interacting with children.  Wear something special and attractive to honor someone's special occasion.

Keep in mind that how we prepare our physical appearance is a primary way that humans communicate with one another.  What you look like says a lot about you.  Think about how you look and evaluate what message your appearance conveys.

You can't change your face, but you can wash it and moisturize it!  Heavy make-up is often intimidating or offensive, but a light layer of base foundation over less-than-perfect skin can be soothing for people who look at you all day long.  Clean, nicely styled hair and well-fitting clothing also put people around you at ease.  Wearing expensive, cutting-edge styles may cause people to admire you, but it rarely helps them feel comfortable around you.  And if you go out with hair in your eyes, buttons that threaten to burst, or Lycra stretched to translucence, people will be on edge worrying about what will happen next.  Take sensible measures to make yourself neat and attractive, and stop there.

Since your appearance automatically communicates a message, use your appearance to communicate kindness, consideration and love.

(3)  

Do not allow others' opinions 

to dictate your style.

Although you should certainly dress in a way that is considerate of others, this does not mean that you dress to "please" others.

Once when I was a Bible study teacher, someone from my Bible study kindly sent me an anonymous gift, a beautiful Vera Bradley bag.  I rarely (well, probably never) would have splurged to buy such an item for myself, but I was happy and pleased to own something so stylish.  However, over time I began to notice that people treated me differently when I carried that bag.  I got many, many compliments.  Once a woman complimented me and I said, "Oh, it was an anonymous gift..."  She responded with astonishment, "A gift?  Do you know, that must have cost $75 or more?  That is some gift!"  Clerks in stores treated me with more respect and deference than I'd ever experienced before.  Nurses in doctors' offices asked me what I did for a living (ha!).  For a time I enjoyed the feeling, but after awhile it began to bother me that something as silly as a handbag could have such a huge effect on how people treated me.

I tell that story to encourage you not to try to be a people-pleaser, nor to follow all the latest trends and styles primarily for the respect and power it will gain you around others who may not be able to afford what you have chosen to purchase and display.

• Don't buy something for the power it will give you.
• Don't wear something to intimidate others or to show off.
• Don't dress immodestly because you think it will make you more attractive to someone.
• Don't follow a fad merely because of peer pressure.

As you prepare yourself each morning, getting ready to go out and face yet another day, ask yourself these questions:

1. Does the way I look bring glory to God and bear an appropriate testimony to His grace in my life?
2. Does my appearance demonstrate consideration for those who will be with me today?
3. Am I presenting myself in a way that shows love for my family, friends and fellow humans on this earth?

And.  If all else fails, a nice fitting pair of khaki slacks, a navy blue cardigan, neatly brushed and tied back hair, a light coat of foundation and a flicker of mascara is appropriate for almost any situation.

Other posts in this series:
Good-bye, girls--part one,
Good-bye, girls--part two,
Good-bye, girls--part three,
Good-bye, girls--part four.
Good-bye, girls--part five
Good-bye, girls--part six 
Good-bye, girls--part seven

Never do this

When you make a to-do list, never put, "Laundry," on it.

You can put something like, "Wash the towels," or "Wash, dry and fold a load of socks and underwear so Dad has what he needs for his business trip." 

But never, never, never just write, "Laundry."

Laundry is never-ending; you will never be able to cross it off.

On self defense

Another heinous crime has taken place.

The librarian from the elementary school where my children attended was taking her 10-year-old daughter to gymnastics last night.  The class was at the mall.  This is the local mall, the tame suburban mall, the mall I always tell my kids to go to because the city mall is not safe.

On their way out to the car after the class, a man hi-jacked them, drove them to a country road behind the mall, raped the little girl and stabbed the mother to death.  The little girl somehow escaped from the car and got up to the road, where a passing car assisted her.

The man was a 29-year-old with a degree in computer science.  He'd been arrested in January, this January, 2013, two months ago, on multiple, multiple charges of child pornography.  On his multiple computers, police found over 500 illegal videos and over 3000 illegal images of child pornography.

So the judge heard his case, issued some rules about parole, and let him go with an ankle bracelet which the perpetrator quickly learned how to disarm.

Thank you Mr. Judge.  An entire community trusts you to protect us from wicked people, and this is what you have done.  I hope you know that the blood of this mother and the fate of her daughter rest squarely on your head: yours and the rest of the perverse, liberal and ineffective justice system in this land.

There is no such thing as a one-time child sex offender.  They cannot be rehabilitated.  We need to come to terms with this and start taking the safety of our children seriously.  A justice system that enables these sorts of things to happen is a broken justice system that needs to be fixed.

Since we obviously cannot hope for protection from those who ought to be protecting us, we need to defend ourselves, and I will repeat here what I have told my daughters before and will tell them again and again...

1.  If anyone ever accosts you in a mall or in a parking lot, scream and thrash around and holler and push the panic button on your key fob.  Do as much as you possibly can to raise a ruckus.  If he is threatening to kill you, if he tells you, "Be quiet or I will shoot you in the head," be as loud as you can possibly be.  He probably won't really do anything to you there anyway, in a place where there are other people and he is sure to be apprehended immediately.  There is at least a 50% chance that you will call his bluff and he will run away.  However, if he gets you away to a secluded place, there is no longer any way to attract attention or help, and no telling what awful things he will do.  It's much better to be shot point blank than to fall into the hands of a wicked person in a secluded place.  Also, in real life (unlike movies), there are no soliloquies where the perpetrator talks and you have an opportunity to figure a way of escape.  So if someone ever tries to grab you in a public place, fight immediately.  Fight to the death if you have to.  It will be preferable.

2.  When you go to fight someone in a situation like this, go for his face, particularly his eyes.  He will be expecting you to struggle and push him away, so if you surprise him by coming in close and grabbing his head, you may be able to catch him off guard.  Grab the sides of his head as hard as you can.  Pray to God to help you, make the most of the surge of adrenaline you will have, and jam your thumbs into his eye sockets for all you're worth, twisting as you go.  Think, "My mama always said to scratch his eyes out.  As God is my witness, I can do this." He will instinctively let you go and try to protect his eyes.   Make sure you do as much damage as you possibly can to his eyes as quickly as you can.  Then, if you have a chance, jam the heel of your hand upwards into his nose, driving his nose bone back into his brain.  Fight like an animal, and use your fingernails, your teeth, your elbows and your knees.

3.  Even better: carry a concealed handgun.  I am not even kidding.

Before or after?

A wise woman once told me...  "All jobs can be divided into two types: those which require that you shower before you go to work, and those which require that you shower as soon as you get home."

House-guests can also be divided into two types: those for whom you clean before they come, and those who necessitate that you clean after they leave.  I could have saved myself much angst if I had realized years ago that Early Childhood Birthday Parties fall into the latter category.

And then there is my friend Marie who, when she used to come over, would tidy my kitchen so nicely that when she left it was in much finer order than I ever could have attained before she came, no matter how hard I tried.  She moved to Michigan, which is a shame.

Giving Criticism--5 questions to ask yourself

This is a difficult post to write. It's a sequel to a post I wrote about taking criticism, which was also difficult, but not nearly as difficult as this.

I am not an expert on giving criticism.  Actually, I am probably worse at it than anyone.  I think I usually give it when I should not, and I withhold it when I should speak up.

But the fact remains, we all give criticism all the time.  Even people who say, "You shouldn't criticize me!" are offering a type of criticism: criticism of the people who criticized them.

Since we criticize, often unconsciously, all the time, I think it is worth examining the phenomenon so that we can recognize it and make strides towards improving how we handle it.

Here is a list of 5 questions to ask yourself when you think you feel compelled to give criticism:

(1)  Why do I feel compelled to confront this issue? 

Is it because I am annoyed?  If so, I would be wise to slow down, think it through, pray about it, and perhaps not say anything.  Personal annoyance is rarely a credible reason for confronting someone.

Is it because I fear that the person will do himself harm?  If so, there may be cause to confront.  But be honest!  Often we hide our personal pride in quasi-concern for others.  Perhaps we fear how something our spouse or our children do will reflect on us.

Is it because I fear for the welfare of a third party, or third parties?  If so, there may be good reason to take action, but the best action might not be the first one that comes to mind.  People whose behaviors affect others are often the most angry and defensive because they feel publicly humiliated.  Keep in mind, too, that you may not know the whole story and might be prone to misinterpret.  Be careful!!

Is it because I am suffering hurt?  We must be aware that the line between annoyance and hurt is very thin.  We must take the utmost care to avoid being selfish.  Sometimes we feel that an issue drives a wedge in the relationship we have with someone.  If so, we must carefully consider whether our method of confronting the issue will help to remove the wedge, or whether it will drive the wedge deeper.  It often requires great wisdom to discern the difference. 

(2)  Have I taken the log out of my own eye?  (Matthew 7:3)

Often the things that bother us most in others are the things we fail at most ourselves.  We must make sure that we are not being hypocrites by condemning in others the very faults with which we ourselves are beset.

At the same time (if we are honest and humble) if we do suffer from the same failures and temptations, it provides an opportunity to confront with sympathy rather than condemnation.   We can share stories of personal failures that later turned into triumphs, and perhaps encourage someone more than we had ever imagined.  This requires transparency and vulnerability, and the ability to talk openly about our own past shortcomings.

(3)  Am I the right person to address this? 

Sometimes we see something happen, something we perceive as a wrong, and we rush in to "right" it... where angels fear to tread, as the saying goes.

Sometimes it would be better left for someone else to handle.

One way to figure out whether you are the right person to address an issue:  Assess your relationship with the other party.  Has God put you in a position of authority over this person?  Do you share a fairly close, trusting relationship?  If not, is there someone else who is in authority or who does have a close relationship, whose life also overlaps into this issue?

If you have no authority, and you are not particularly close to someone, and if others exist who meet these criteria, then often it is best to wait and pray.  Let God move the heart of His chosen instrument.  On the other hand, if you are the only person around to confront something, sometimes you have to do it, whether you want to or not.  Ask God for clear leading.

Ironically, often the more you desire to confront an issue, the more likely it is that you probably should not.  And the more you dread confronting, the more likely it is that you actually ought to.   Often.  Not always.

(4)  Can I do this in love?

We are supposed to speak the truth in love, with a loving motivation for the other person's best interest.  It's all about restoration, about helping another person get back on the right path, back into a healthy relationship.  It's not about humiliating or punishing someone.

We need to ask ourselves, in brutal honesty, Bibles open and hearts lifted to God in prayer, whether we are motivated by love or revenge. 

If you can't do it in love, filled with compassion and hoping for a good result, then you probably ought not do it at all.

But if you can approach the person in love, honesty, transparency and (very important) privacy... God may use your words in a powerful way for good.

(5)  Is there a point to confronting this?

The Bible is full of warnings against reproving a scoffer and casting your pearls before swine.

If there is little to no chance of a favorable outcome, you should probably save your breath.  Apply your energy in a more productive direction.

Pointing out the error of someone's ways is not something you do to prove that you are a wise, discerning person with a burning need to exhibit your finely developed sense of justice.  You do it to save a brother or sister (Galatians 6:1-2, James 5:19-20).  Unless you have hope that your words can effect a positive outcome, you should not speak them.

If people only ever criticized while believing that there is great hope for good, it might drastically change how people receive criticism.  Put yourself in the position of the person being criticized:  how would you feel when someone criticized you if you knew that he was only confronting you because he had faith in your potential?  What if being criticized meant that someone was confident that you could receive correction and benefit from it?  It's an interesting thing to ponder, and makes one think of Hebrews 12:5-11.

The way of a fool is right in his own eyes,

but a wise man listens to advice.

Proverbs 12:15(ESV)

Taking Criticism

~~This post will be filed under "motherly advice."~~

People don't like to be criticized.  I don't, and I'm pretty sure that you don't either.

However, we must be real here.  Nobody is perfect.  Nobody is perfect.

Ergo (like my Latin?) everybody could always stand to improve--a little or a lot--in some area of life.

Ergo (again, yes) everybody could stand to benefit from certain criticisms.

I am not giving blanket permission to all the people in the world to go out and criticize everybody else.  We will discuss being on the giving end of criticism next time.  Today we are talking about receiving criticism.

Chances are, we need to receive some criticism.   And by we, I mean all of us.

I have an uncritical husband.  I am thankful for him.  I think it would be hard for me to live with a husband who was constantly telling me that I need to spiff up my appearance, work harder at keeping the house clean, spend less money and get up earlier in the morning.  If I had a husband who criticized these qualities in me, I might even wilt, especially if he were unkind and impatient.  However (just being real here), these would be mostly fair and accurate criticisms of me, and if I had a husband who--by some miracle--was able to confront these problems in my life in a loving and gentle manner, I and my home would probably be much better maintained... there would actually be a benefit.

You see, as I stated at the outset, we are all imperfect people.  Add to that the fact that, if left alone without intentional input, nearly everything in life will tend to decay.  That includes our bodies, our homes, our habits and our behavior.  We are imperfect people tending to increasing imperfection.

This is why people don't like the Christian religion.  It implicitly involves criticism of the way things are: hell-bound.  It offers a miraculous, merciful, effective solution to the problem, but most of the people who reject Christianity reject it before they ever consider the solution; they can't handle being told that there is a problem.

My son David is sort of an anomaly.   He plays saxophone, and he is very good.  Criticism does not phase him (when it comes to playing his saxophone).  In fact, if he goes to a music lesson and the teacher only says, "That was very good.  That was very nice.  You played that very well," David comes out disgusted that he payed money and was not instructed on how to improve.  His attitude is very logical, but not one that most people can handle.

Most of us hate criticism, and yet we all understand and agree that nobody is perfect.  The only conclusion I can draw is: people want to be imperfect and have everybody tell them it is OK to be imperfect.

And, on one hand, it is OK to be imperfect, because we all are, and we all will be until the day Jesus returns and makes us perfect (1 John 3:2).  But at the same time, it is not OK to wallow contentedly in our imperfections.  The Lord says, "Be holy as I am holy." (Leviticus 11:44-45, Leviticus 19:2, Leviticus 20:7, 1 Peter 1:16)  This does not mean that we suddenly, magically become perfectly holy.  It means we are to have hearts that pull us to become more and more holy, more and more like Jesus each day.  Some days we will fail, and that ought to bother us, spurring us on to cooperate better with the Holy Spirit on the next occasion.

It isn't about where we are.  It's about where we are headed.  And this is why it is of utmost importance to learn how to take criticism.  If you won't take criticism, you will simply drift away into a slough of mediocrity which will culminate in something much worse than mediocre.  A person who will not take criticism is like a house that will not take paint.  Think about it.

The Bible is a critical lens which the Lord has given us to help us improve ourselves according to His will.  James 1: 22-25 says:

But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.  (ESV)

This means that we aren't supposed to just read the Bible; we are supposed to apply what it says to the way we do things.  If the way we live doesn't measure up to what God asks of us, we need to adjust the way we live.  If you look into a mirror and see broccoli stuck between your teeth, you don't just walk away with the broccoli still between your teeth.  You remove the offending flora.  If you read the Bible and see that an attitude or habit of yours is sinful, you don't just walk away and continue to sin, you ask God to forgive you and cleanse you from the sin.

When God convicts us through His Word, that is the most certain form of criticism we can possibly receive.  If God said it, it's true.  There should be no arguing with the Word of God.  You might not like it (chances are pretty good that you won't -- we hate to accept criticism), but there is no question that it comes from a credible Source who is motivated for our best interest.  We must accept it and pray for Him to help us change.

Besides reading the Bible, we can receive criticism from other people, and also from the whispers of the Holy Spirit in our hearts.  

By far the most difficult criticism to discern is the whispering of the Holy Spirit.  There are always other voices whispering back, the ones that rationalize and justify the things we do, and also the ones that condemn and shame, leaving us without hope.  If you think you are hearing the Holy Spirit whisper to your heart, check what you think He is saying against the truth of Scripture.  If it matches up, you were probably hearing Him correctly.  If it does not match up, you were definitely not hearing Him correctly.  If you have trouble finding things in the Bible, speak with a pastor or a friend who is well acquainted with scripture, and ask for help in discerning what you think God is telling you.  Remember that the Word of God is the final measure of truth, always.

Hearing from the Spirit is the most difficult type of criticism to discern.  But hearing from other people is the most difficult type of criticism to receive.

Criticism from our fellow man can be so difficult to take, many people advise simply ignoring it and continuing on in denial.  Once I heard of a teacher who told her class, "The best thing I can tell you to do if you are criticized is: go home and take a warm bath in a room lit with candles."  I believe that there are times when this might be the appropriate response to criticism.  However, the Lord works in many ways, and often He uses people in relationships with one another to sanctify one another (Proverbs 27:17).  It is a very dangerous thing, indeed, to write off all criticism that comes from our fellow human beings.  God could be speaking through that person to you, and you should consider carefully what you heard before you turn to aromatherapy for comfort.  In any case, God is sovereign over all things, so whether or not the criticism itself is valid, God allowed those words to come to you for a purpose, to teach you something through the experience.  You must not neglect this truth.

Here are some steps which I would advise you to take when you encounter criticism from a person:

1.  Consider the source.  A person who doesn't love you may be perfectly content to refrain from saying anything when you are headed in a defective direction.  Sometimes our friends are more likely to risk saying the tough thing (Proverbs 27:6).  Is the person criticizing you a person of wisdom, or a typically shallow person?  Does this person confront people often, or rarely?  Is this person spiritually mature or (if it is a professional issue) gifted in his area of work?  Did this person come to you directly, or did you hear about the criticism in a round-about grapevine-gossip sort of way?  

If you are confronted by a competent, wise, gifted person who rarely confronts anyone, you would do well to take heed and carefully measure what he told you against whatever objective truth you can find.  If the person is wacky (there are wacky people), unstable, a chronic grumbler or whiner, you can take the criticism with a grain of salt.  But even when the source seems unreliable, it is wise for you as recipient to sift what was said before the Lord, asking Him to show you if there is a morsel of truth buried in the stew.  God can teach us lessons of value in even the strangest circumstances.

2.  Commit the issue to prayer.  Surrender the conversation to the Lord.  Ask Him to help you be measured and fair in your response.  Ask Him to make you willing to see a fault in yourself as it truly exists and to help you change in whatever way He desires.  Also, ask the Lord to protect you from unfair criticism, from being wounded in ways that would impair your ability to live out His purpose for your life.  Beg Him for wisdom.

3.  Seek humility.  James 3:13 says, "Who is wise and understanding among you?  Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom" (NIV).   We can clearly see that we need wisdom to discern what is applicable in the criticism we receive from our fellow man.  We sometimes forget that wisdom results in humility.  Humility means that we don't automatically assume that we ourselves are right and anybody who criticizes us is wrong.  That is a very prideful assumption.  A humble person stops, listens, considers.  A humble person does not have a knee-jerk reaction to defend himself.  A humble person remembers that God is sovereign, and that God could use many avenues to speak into a life, even an unpleasant or unexpected one.  A humble person says, "Is this a word from you, Lord?" and humbly waits for God's answer.

4.  Search scripture.   Ultimately, if what the person said to you matches up with scripture, you need to take heed.  You have no excuse for ignoring a message that someone brings you if it is scripturally supported.  If God could use a donkey to speak to Balaam (Numbers 22:21-34),  He can use any person to speak to you, even a child, a fool or a scoundrel.  If the message aligns with God's Word, you'd better sit up and listen.  If you don't, I think God will hold you accountable.

Nobody is perfect.  We all have room to improve.  We all need to grow.  To that end, we will encounter criticism throughout our lives.  Constructive criticism is criticism which, if we act on it, will improve us, build our character, construct our lives.

Rather than burying our heads in the sand, let us listen, consider, pray and search the scriptures.  God may work mightily in us through the criticism of another. 

SLS -- they call it the poison in our products

SLS stands for Sodium Lauryl Sulfate. There is also SLES which is the abbreviation for Sodium Laureth Sulfate.

These are foaming agents, and they are in most of your soaps, shampoos, and other personal care products.

There are many claims and many arguments out there about the relative safety and danger of these products, as you will find if you do a quick Google search on the terms. I do not know what is true and what is false, so I am not going to make any brash statements about, for instance, whether these things cause cancer, or whether they are toxins that our livers cannot break down, which thus linger in our systems. Maybe, maybe not.

However...

I have tried to minimize the SLS containing products in our bathroom, and the results have been good.

Experience Number 1

My husband was plagued with horrific canker sores his entire life. Often, he could barely talk because of a huge, gaping wound in his mouth. Sometimes these garish holes in his inner cheeks and gums would cause him so much pain that he got migraines from them. He tried many remedies, including taking L-Lysine, but nothing offered consistent and lasting relief.

One day I read that SLS's can cause canker sores, so I went out and found an SLS-free toothpaste. It is called Closys, and I buy it at Kinney Drug Store. Since he switched over to this toothpaste, my husband has had almost no canker sores.

I'm just saying.

This is the truth. It is our personal experience. I'm not promising it will work for you, I'm just saying it worked for him. I use Closys now, too, and although I rarely got canker sores before, I never get them now.

The huge difference this change made in my husband's mouth kind of freaked me out. How could an ingredient that did that much damage to his tissues be in all the mainstream toothpaste brands?

Then my hair started falling out. Which led to...

Experience Number 2

I tried a number of things, including shampooing only three times a week (that was torture for me, and I never got used to it).

Now I use an SLS-free shampoo. I'm not sure if it stemmed the tide of my hair loss, but I think my hair seems to be falling out more slowly. I have also noticed that when I am away from home and end up using hotel shampoo or someone else's SLS-containing shampoo, it seems that more of my hair falls out on those days than on a normal day at home.

I use Every Day Shea Lavender Shampoo, and I get it at our local Wegman's, which is very convenient.

It took my hair a little while to get used to this shampoo. I find that it works a bit differently from "normal" shampoo. I lather up my hair with it at the beginning of my shower and then leave it to soak in while I shave my legs and wash my body. I rinse it out last thing. This method seems to work very well.

I do not use conditioner. Last week I tried doing a homemade, pre-shampoo conditioning treatment with coconut oil, castor oil and molasses (which is supposed to be very strengthening). It took three days for my hair to stop looking wet (greasy) and stringy, but since then it's been quite lovely.

I also take biotin and saw palmetto to try to beef up my hair, as well as a multi-vitamin and fish oil.

In particular though, I'm pretty happy with the shampoo I'm using, and I have to admit that the few times I've substituted a regular shampoo, the results have been much worse than on the days when -- for instance --I forget to take one of my supplements.

So I think there might be some reasons to avoid SLS's, whether or not we're talking about "poison".

Experience Number 3

I stopped using SLS products on my face and body.

The results have been downright remarkable.

First, I started the oil cleansing method. This has been lovely for my face.

When I need an acne treatment for my face, I use about 1/4 tsp. of castor oil in the center of the palm of my hand, drop in 2-3 drops of tea tree oil, stir it up with my finger and massage it into my face. Ta-da.

Sometimes in the morning, instead of just rinsing my face, I wash it with raw honey
or a mixture of raw honey and nutmeg
or a mixture of raw honey, nutmeg and plain yogurt.
(You only need 1/2 tsp. or less of each, and you can leave it on as a mask, too, if you're into that.)

This is fun, and tasty if it gets into your mouth by mistake. I don't know if it is much more effective than the oil cleansing method by itself, but it certainly doesn't seem to do any harm.

I cannot even tell you how much nicer my skin is than only a few months ago when I was using commercial products. I never would have believed that my skin could look this happy. I think the difference is the lack of SLS-containing products which seem to work against your skin instead of with it.

It reminds me of a friend who had a beautiful lawn. He said, "The secret is to fertilize and water and grow a really healthy lawn. You don't have to fight the weeds nearly as hard if you have great, healthy grass." I think skin issues are similar. SLS-containing skin care products are like weed-killing poison. They'll attack your skin issues, but they attack your skin at the same time. If you use the right products on your face, you can nourish your skin and make it more resistant to problems.

Of course, skin issues are always deeper than the skin itself, and proper nutrition and hydration are of the utmost importance, as well as hormone balance. So eat right, drink a lot of pure water, cut out sugar and increase your Omega-3's (take fish oil).

Along with cutting out SLS's on my face, I've cut them out of the soaps I use on my body. Guess what? This has reduced my "winter itch" like nobody's business.

My favorite soaps were some pricey handmade olive oil soaps from an Etsy shop. But if you are on a budget and still want to go SLS-free, you can get...

Kirk's Castille Soap. I actually love this stuff. It is very mild, with a soft, almost unscented kind of scent. It is about $1.50 per bar at my local Wegman's, no shipping and handling!

And the best of all, amazingly...

Yardley Soap. I can get this at Wegman's, a 2-pack of their more basic soaps for $1.99. My husband loves the Lavender and the Oatmeal and Almond one. AND I just discovered that you can get additional varieties of Yardley at (you'd never guess...) the Dollar Store for (of course) $1 per bar.

If you are one of those blessed people who float through life with beautiful skin and hair, no rashes, no itches, no split ends... well, those people probably stopped reading a long time ago. If you struggle with skin, hair and body issues, I'd challenge you to try getting the SLS's out of your bathroom and see if things don't improve.

Skin care

I've been finding out some things about skin care.

For starters, I began using the Oil Cleansing Method.

This is actually biblical! Psalm 104:14-15 says of the bountiful providence of God,

"He makes grass grow for the cattle, and plants for men to cultivate--
bringing forth food from the earth:
wine that gladdens the heart of man,
oil to make his face shine,
and bread that sustains his heart."

You use a washcloth and hot water to warm your face and open your pores. Then you massage about a teaspoon of oil into your face. I use 75% sunflower seed oil, 25% castor oil and a few drops of geranium essential oil. (When I make the next batch, I'm going to try substituting grapeseed oil for the sunflower seed oil.) After massaging this into your face for a minute or two, you use your washcloth and hot water to remove most of the oil from your skin. Leave a little on to moisturize overnight. This is a night-time treatment.

In the morning, I just wash my face with a washcloth and warm water. If you have trouble with breakouts, you might want to try washing with a small dab of organic honey in the morning.

Apparently castor oil is really good for your skin. I have tried dabbing a small drop on problem areas in the evening, after using the Oil Cleansing Method. You can also dab a bit of tea tree oil on a trouble spot (it works particularly well if the skin has been prepped with castor oil). If you are using this method and still need additional moisturizer, I'd recommend massaging a bit of evening primrose oil into your skin.

If you need additional help clearing up your skin, you can try applying an aspirin and lemon juice mask (I got this idea from One Good Thing by Jillee, and she got it from Dr. Oz). All you need is 6-12 aspirin tablets and the juice of half a lemon. Dissolve the aspirin in the lemon juice (I'd suggest crushing it first), apply to your face and leave for ten minutes. Rinse off with a baking soda solution, if you wish. Do this once or twice a week.

Another huge hint for clear skin: try a sugar and gluten-free diet, like this one.

Good luck!

Getting away from MSG

MSG (monosodium glutamate) is bad for you. You can read about it here -- I'm not going to get into that discussion in this post.

The problem is: MSG is everywhere. You aren't going to find it written as "MSG" or "monosodium glutamate" on all your labels, either. They have all kinds of tricky names for it.

A friend of mine told me, "Don't eat anything that comes in a box or a can."

Seriously, it's in everything. It is particularly dangerous for the very young, and it is in things that people give their children all the time, like those little orange fishy crackers, and even baby formula.

MSG makes things taste good. It is why you can't stop with just one Pringle's potato chip. It is the reason McDonald's can use the lowest possible grades of beef and chicken, and still sell things that taste great. It's in canned soup and envelopes of soup mix, onion dip and salad dressing.

It's in everything. The last time I was in a restaurant, I ordered a hamburger and french fries because I knew that if I got the "Asian wrap" there'd be a ton of MSG in that. My hamburger tasted pretty natural, but the fries had an orange seasoning on them that tasted delicious. I'm pretty sure it was partly MSG.

I figure that the frozen turkeys they sell around Thanksgiving time contain MSG, too. They always say, "injected with a solution." That solution almost certainly has MSG in its formula.

If it's in everything, how do you avoid it?

Here are three things you can do to reduce your intake of MSG:

(1) Make your own bouillon substitute for soups and casseroles.

In other words, don't buy canned soup and don't start with mixes when you make a casserole. No more Hamburger Helper. No more taco seasoning mix. No more bouillon cubes or chicken base (sorry).

Now, since MSG is the thing that makes it all taste so good, how do you make it taste good without MSG?

I have found that a splash of molasses works wonders. The amazing thing is that molasses is actually really good for you! And trust me, if you just use a tiny splash, it doesn't all come out tasting like barbecue. The molasses just adds a slightly deepened, rich flavor different from but similar to the flavor that comes from MSG.

For an average recipe, in place of a cube of bouillon or 1 teaspoon of chicken base, I add:

1 "splash" of blackstrap molasses (about a teaspoon)
1/8 tsp. crushed red pepper
1/2 tsp. granulated garlic
1/2 - 1 tsp. sea salt (depending on how much additional salt the recipe calls for)

A splash of molasses in beef dishes also gives the gravy a nice brown color. Molasses is good stuff!

(2) Make your own white sauce instead of using cream soups
like cream of mushroom or cream of chicken.

Learn how to make a simple white sauce. This is one of the most basic cooking skills. Now, this does not apply to people who are are gluten-intolerant. We are a low-gluten family. Now and then, I have a piece of whole grain toast, and I do thicken my white sauces with white flour. So we are not a no-gluten family. We have not needed to be. Therefore, this is how I make a white sauce:

Basic white sauce recipe:

1/4 cup butter
1/4 cup flour
1/4 tsp. salt
(dried onion, granulated garlic, dry mustard, black pepper, various chopped vegetables)
2 cups milk (we generally stock whole milk)

In a medium, heavy saucepan, melt the butter. If you are adding vegetables (onion, peppers, celery, etc.) saute them in the butter and add whatever seasonings you are using (onion, garlic, dry mustard, black pepper, etc.) and stir around.

Sprinkle in the flour and stir it in well with everything else.

With a spatula or a whisk, stir in a little bit (about 1/3 cup) of the milk. Stir well until the mixture is smooth. Then add another 1/3 cup milk and stir and-so-on-and-so-on until you have added all the milk.

Stir constantly over medium low heat until it comes to a boil. Boil about 30 seconds or so.

At this point, I often add cheese, but whether you would want to do that depends on what you are making.

This is what you use in place of "cream of mushroom soup" in those old family recipes. If you want a little extra kick, add the bouillon substitute that I explained above.

(3) Make your own salad dressing

You need a blender or a food processor to make dressing, and you need to experiment and get it the way it suits you. Here is a basic recipe that I shared earlier:

Salad Dressing --

2 Tbsp. olive oil
2 tsp. balsamic vinegar or lemon juice
1/8 tsp. sea salt
a small slice of fresh onion.

Blend in blender until smooth and drizzle over your salad. You can double or triple this recipe, but it doesn't keep well for more than a couple of days, due to the raw onion.

• You may find that you prefer a different oil, like sunflower or grapeseed.
• You may find that you like apple cider vinegar or red wine vinegar rather than balsamic.
• You may want a bit less or a bit more salt.
  
• I have found that adding whole wedges of lemon (unpeeled, but I do try to get the seeds out), and pureeing them into the dressing, provides a nice zesty flavor and thickens the dressing in a rather delightful way.
• This dressing is sugar free. You could add 1/2 teaspoon of sugar--or better yet, molasses--if it doesn't taste quite right to you. Sugar is really bad for you, but we are talking about quite a minuscule quantity. While sugar is bad for you, it is not an outright toxin like MSG, and if a tiny bit helps you get off MSG, it's a good trade.

If you cut out commercially prepared seasoning mixes, canned soups and prepared salad dressings, you will be well on your way to reducing MSG in your diet. Of course, you must also stay away from all the chips and snacks that come loaded up with it, from cheesy crackers to nacho cheese flavored corn chips. There are nice organic chip options in the organic section of most grocery stores, if you need those kinds of snacks (I'd still read the label though). Raw vegetables dipped in homemade hummus is a better snack than chips.

Axing simple carbs

Sugar is the enemy. It affects our hormones and does awful things to our waistlines, skin, mood, and endocrine system. Over-consumption of sugar can even induce diabetes. Residual sugar floating around in our systems provides nourishment for many micro-organisms we do not wish to host--viruses and bacteria--seriously impeding our immune systems.

Refined white flour is equally bad, and anything with gluten in it can also cause trouble.

Here is a diet that you can try if you'd like to work on purging the excess sugars out of your system and see if you feel any better.

Step One -- Purge out the sugar

Do this for at least 3 days. You can keep going longer if you feel OK and have enough energy.

The idea is to cut out all simple carbs for a few days. Yes, all of them.

Things you can eat:

• meat (fresh, good quality meat)
• chicken
• fish
• eggs
• cheese (real cheese.. not American or Velveeta or Cheez-Whiz)
• nuts (almonds are particularly good)
• natural peanut butter (Smuckers has a natural, no-sugar-added peanut butter that WalMart carries for a decent price)
• legumes (like black beans, chick peas, etc.)
• sunflower seeds
• chia seeds
• flaxseed
• lettuce (all types)
• spinach
• tomatoes
• cucumbers
• avocado
• carrots
• celery
• broccoli
• cauliflower
• peppers (any color)
• zucchini, yellow summer squash
• bean sprouts or other sprouts
• green beans
• peas, snap peas
• brussels sprouts
• cabbage
• onion
• garlic
• asparagus
• lemon
• milk (hormone free)
• plain yogurt
• kefir (plain)
• butter
• olive oil
• balsamic vinegar
• herbs and spices are fine: oregano, cinnamon, etc.
• unsweetened tea
• unsweetened coffee
• stevia (in moderation) to sweeten coffee or tea, or to make a sugarless lemonade
• lots and lots of water

With this menu, you may find that it is helpful to plan your meals around this framework:

Breakfast:

• Eggs cooked with vegetables and cheese (cook chopped vegetables in a small amount of butter or olive oil until tender, add eggs and cook until set, sprinkle with cheese about a minute before the eggs are finished so it can melt, season with sea salt and freshly ground pepper)
• water
• coffee or tea (with cream if you need something to make you feel full and satisfied)

Lunch:

• Make a nice salad of your favorite vegetables and greens.
• Top with diced chicken or sliced roast beef or sliced hard boiled egg
• Garnish with black beans, chick peas, slivered almonds or sunflower seeds... or any combination thereof

Salad Dressing --
(since most commercially prepared salad dressing contain sugar
and/or MSG, you can make your own if you have a blender or a bullet. )
2 Tbsp. olive oil
2 tsp. balsamic vinegar or lemon juice
1/8 tsp. sea salt
a small slice of fresh onion.
Blend in blender until smooth and drizzle over your salad. You can double or triple this recipe, but it doesn't keep well for more than a couple of days, due to the raw onion.

• Drink a large glass of water with lunch!

Dinner:

• Cook yourself a nice little portion of fish, chicken or beef
• Serve it warm with a crisp vegetable salad and a hot cooked vegetable (2 sides)
• Drink a large glass of water with dinner!

Snacks:

• lemon water with ice
• raw carrots, celery, broccoli, cauliflower, etc. (you may dip raw vegetables in hummus-- make your own from chick peas, tahini, fresh garlic and lemon)
• a handful of nuts or sunflower seeds
• celery or carrot sticks spread with natural peanut butter

When you don't feel full:

• have a nice, hot cup of tea with a bit of cream, and some almonds on the side
• an avocado (this will make you feel nice and full, but it's too expensive to do very often)
• broth (you need to make it yourself, as commercial broth always has unhealthy seasonings added to it)

Follow the above diet for a few days, at least three. If you are feeling good and doing well, stay on it for as long as you'd like.

Step 2 -- Add a few fillers
If you are feeling empty and unsatisfied, add the following as snacks and side dishes:

• sweet potatoes (boiled or baked, you can serve them with butter and cinnamon... and pecans if you have them)
• brown rice (bake brown rice pilaf with seasonings and some onion)
• quinoa (follow package directions, experiment sauteing with olive oil and vegetables)
• squash (like sweet potatoes, serve with butter and cinnamon)
• spaghetti squash (try serving with tomato based meat sauce)
• oranges
• grapefruits
• strawberries
• blueberries
• (make kefir smoothies with stevia and frozen berries; add spinach and flax or chia for a bang)

After trying the diet with these foods added in, see how you do. Try to go at least another three days, preferably a week, with these foods. You should not feel distractingly hungry. A small amount of hunger is not a bad thing. It is good to be truly hungry before you eat. Try always to wait to eat until you are hungry. But if, after a week, you find that you are always hungry, go ahead and...

Step 3 -- Add a few comfort foods

• bananas
• apples
• unsweetened (no-sweetener-added) applesauce
• oatmeal
• one daily glass of orange juice

Adding these few foods will really open up a large opportunity for nice snacks. You can eat oatmeal with applesauce and cinnamon. Although you should not put sugar in your oatmeal, by this point you should have been without sugar for so long that it will taste good to you even with just natural applesauce and cinnamon in it. You can also mash a banana into your oatmeal to make it sweet.

If you have trouble finding unsweetened applesauce, it is easy to make. Just peel and core some apples and cook them in a small amount of water until tender. You can add cinnamon if you wish. This can be done in a crock pot, or on the stovetop. It goes pretty fast on the stovetop, especially if you slice the apples fairly thin. You could have hot, fresh applesauce within 10 minutes of the beginning boil! You can make it as smooth or as chunky as you like, depending on how you slice the apples and whether you mash them after they have cooked.

Bananas spread with natural peanut butter are a very satisfying snack. You can also spread peanut butter on apple slices.

You can stir natural applesauce into plain yogurt, and it isn't half bad.

Try to keep your diet at this point for a month or more. After 4-6 weeks, evaluate how you are doing and feeling.

1. Are you often hungry to the point of distraction, or do you usually feel satisfied?
2. Do you have energy?
3. How are your mood swings? Do they happen less or more than before you started to stay away from carbs?
4. How is your complexion?
5. Have you had any issues with constipation or diarrhea since you began this diet?
6. Have you had more or fewer headaches?
7. Have you gained or lost weight?
8. Have you been sick?

Depending on your answers to these questions, you can decide whether to continue the diet, modify or relax it, or quit it altogether.

Remember to take vitamins and supplements.

Good-bye, girls--part seven

I've been avoiding this post.

I've been writing to my daughters about all the things I wish I'd ever told them and am afraid I may have missed.

Shortly before Shannon moved out, I told her, "Come upstairs with me and watch me clean this toilet. You'll need to know how to do this on your own now." And she told me, "It's OK, Mom, you've already shown me how to clean a toilet." And I wanted to say, "But my technique may have changed since then," or "I think I use a different cleaning chemical now," or "Are you sure? I have no memory of that. I probably did it wrong; let me show you again." Actually, I probably did say that last thing.

Anyway, as promised at the end of the last post in this series, this post is about supplements. Shannon doesn't really much approve of taking supplements, and Laura hates the way the basket full of supplements looks in the kitchen, and I feel pretty self-conscious about this particular post. But it is keeping me at least one more step away from trying to talk about beauty, and for that I am truly grateful.

I take supplements because I think they keep me off prescription medications, and that is a very good thing, especially with the lack of coverage our health insurance provides.

DISCLAIMER: This post is based on anecdotal personal experience.  I am not a medical professional.  This is motherly advice for my daughters, nothing more.  If you are reading this, and you are not my daughter, talk to your doctor before you do anything based on my advice.

One of the most important aspects of supplements is this: they can help you boost your immunities. Here is a list of immunity boosting supplements:

(1) Vitamin D3. We talked about this earlier. Vitamin D3 is very important, especially for those of us who live in the northeastern USA where there is precious little sun, and small children grow up believing that the sky is gray, not blue. It boosts your immunities, eases aches and pains, strengthens your heart... actually, I forget all the things it does. If we ever migrate to Arizona, we will be able to ease up on the vitamin D3, but for now, take a supplement, and some days, the darkest days, go ahead and take two.

(2) A multi-vitamin. Take a good multi-vitamin daily. I shy away from vitamins formulated specifically for women, because they always contain iron, and iron makes me sick. Men's multi-vitamin formulas often have selenium, which I always thought was good for you (in the proper amount, not too much) and helps with immunities, heart, skin, thyroid and eye health. It is a very powerful anti-oxidant and even has some effect on fighting cancer and neutralizing toxic substances that you may take in. I was a big proponent of selenium, and then Dr. Mercola came out and said that it is really dangerous and the kind they put into most multi-vitamins will actually kill you (not the kind he puts in his own multi-vitamins, of course...) But I'm sick of Dr. Mercola, so I think I'll go ahead with my recommendation that you take a muti-vitamin with selenium and no iron.

(3) Fish Oil. Fish oil is just so good for you over all, you ought to take it. Again, it is good for your heart. It helps your circulatory system, your nervous system, your digestive system and your skin, hair and nails. It's even good for your brain. The special kind of fat in fish oil helps you metabolize your food and absorb your vitamins. One of my friends told me that a psychiatrist told her that he takes four fish oil capsules a day to boost his mood and fend off depression. I'm not exactly sure if it belongs in my "immunity boosting" list, but it does everything else, so I figured that such an all purpose supplement probably boosts your immunities, too. NOTE: look for entearic coated fish oil capsules, or at least capsules that promise "no fishy burps." Cheaper is not better where fish oil is concerned. The cheap ones can give people wicked indigestion.

(4) Acidophilus or a good probiotic. The good bacteria in your "gut" (as they say) is very important to maintaining a healthy immune system. Antibiotics kill off these good bacteria. Other things do, too, specifically the chlorine in drinking water and--much stronger and more dangerous--the chlorine in Splenda (sucralose). Stay away from Splenda, almost as much as you would stay away from aspartame. (Anyway, Splenda tastes awful.) Besides generally keeping your immune system healthy, probiotics prevent and fight all kinds of fungal and yeast infections. Also, if you are having troubles with your stomach being off, or with diarrhea or constipation, a few extra probiotic capsules should help to right your system.

Then there are supplements I take for "womanly" issues. I will try to be careful about how I discuss them.

(1) Evening Primrose Oil. I love this supplement. It prevents joint pain, acne, heart disease, hyperactivity and obesity. It has a very high concentration of a fatty acid called GLA which actually works on your endocrine system and blocks certain hormones from bothering you. It is proven to help with both PMS and menopause, lessening menstrual cramps, breast tenderness, irritable bowel flare ups and hot flashes. It increases feelings of well-being. Applied topically, it also prevents wrinkles and heals wounds. Good stuff. It smells nice, too, and the capsules are one of the few without a nasty flavor on the way down.

(2) Estroven. This is an over-the-counter preparation, not exactly a natural supplement. I used to like the one that was actually a multi-vitamin with womanly help added to it, but they stopped making that one, or at any rate I haven't been able to find it. The important ingredient is Black Cohosh, which is a famous herb for PMS and menopause. You probably do not need to take this stuff, although if you run into PMS trouble, or lots of discomfort with your periods, you might want to pick up a bottle of Black Cohosh.

(3) Calcium. You need Calcium to have strong bones, and to prevent osteoporosis, which runs in my mother's family. The best way to take Calcium is in combination with other supplements that help you absorb it. One of these is Vitamin D, which we already discussed above. I also feel that it is important to take Calcium with Magnesium. Magnesium helps with a number of female and nervous system issues, and it also prevents you from getting constipated from the calcium. I have been taking a combination of Calcium, Magnesium and Zinc for many years, and it seems to be serving me well. DJ has encouraged me to take my Calcium and Magnesium at bedtime to help me relax and lessen my leg cramps. Calcium taken alone can cause indigestion, constipation and even kidney stones, so be sure to take Magnesium and Vitamin D along with it.

(4) Cranberry. I do not take this all the time, but if I run into trouble with my bladder, this is the ticket. If you get a bladder infection, or something that feels like a bladder infection, get a bottle of this. Look for one that says Cranmax on it somewhere, either in the main name of the product or in the ingredient list. To fend off a bladder infection, take the Cranberry tablets along with a probiotic and lots and lots of water. I have found that, for me, this works better than going to the doctor.

Haha. Here we are... my beauty supplements.

(1) Biotin. I take this, as the bottle says, for skin, hair and nails. I mostly notice that it works on my nails. Since I've been taking it regularly, My nails hardly ever break. I started taking it because my hair is falling out. My hair dresser says she thinks it is helping, but I can't tell that it is. I don't know whether it makes any difference in my skin, but I keep hoping it does. It definitely strengthens my nails, though.

(2) Saw Palmetto. Somebody told somebody that Biotin is useless without Saw Palmetto, so I bought some. I really can't say that I notice much difference. Saw Palmetto is a DHT blocker, and DJ says that means it should block acne causing hormones, too. My skin and my hair are holding steady at what I would call a passable condition, so maybe these two supplements are staving off excessive damage and I have no idea how bad it might be without them.

To be totally honest, I think I do notice more problems cropping up when I forget to take my supplements for a couple of days (as I have this week).

Well... scary but true... we are encroaching on the subject of beauty, and we will have to face it head-on before long. Or maybe I will end this series with this post. What will the future bring?

Other posts in this series:
Good-bye, girls--part one,
Good-bye, girls--part two,
Good-bye, girls--part three,
Good-bye, girls--part four.
Good-bye, girls--part five
Good-bye, girls--part six