Limitations

Once in awhile I get bummed that I have lupus.

This is not a subject worth delving into.  It's just that I was thinking about my life the other day, wondering what I am good for, if anything I do is pleasing to God or helpful for His Kingdom.  There are things I wish I could do, that I cannot do.

The Lord reminded me of my first and second houses.

My first house was a little cape cod, built in 1930-something.  The previous owners had a very different aesthetic from mine.  We were young and our budget was limited.  Yet, I had a lot of fun trying to make that house cute.  The many parameters and design challenges were like puzzles to be solved, and every time I figured out a solution, it was an occasion of joy.  I am not a designer, and I was not on a quest to win a design award.  I only wanted to get rid of some bothersome aesthetic issues, and over the six years we lived there, I was (amazingly!) largely successful.  When we were ready to move to a bigger house, we called the realtor who had sold us our first house.  As she walked through it, she kept saying, "Wow.  Wow.  This doesn't even look like the same house.  This is amazing.  You guys have done an amazing job here."  We felt happy about our contribution, a deep sense of satisfaction.

Our second house was a two-story colonial, a brand new builder's model, all decked out in the lightest, brightest, most neutral options available.  We moved into room after room of white painted drywall and palest beige carpet.   It was, very literally, a blank canvas.  Within a six weeks, I had four littles.  Four littles, in a big, empty, white house.

As I tried to figure out ways to decorate that house, I made many mistakes.  When you start with a little old house full of crazy carpet and paint, it is easy to improve, because nearly anything you do looks better than what went before, and there is a certain inherent charm in the quirkiness of the place.  But when you start with a big, bare, generic, white-interiored house, it is easy to make a decision that doesn't look very good once it's implemented.

God showed me that if I had a perfect life, with unlimited energy and resources, it would be easy for me to mess up and regret how I had squandered my resources.

Having lupus limits me, but when I get something done, I know enough to be thankful.  My limits give shape and direction to my decisions.

It's okay.

It is going to be okay, and it is okay.