Do you feel forgiven?

During a recent spate of time when my mind was free to think with virtually limitless scope, I ended up pondering forgiveness again.

Forgiveness is both wonderful and terribly difficult.  I could say that it is wonderful to receive forgiveness and terribly difficult to extend it, but even that is not strictly true.  Forgiveness extended can be the most tremendous, freeing release you will ever experience.  At the same time, accepting forgiveness, particularly from God, can be almost impossibly difficult when you live in a place of shame and regret.

The other day, as I pondered, I realized that I sometimes struggle to forgive when I feel that someone's sin against me made me extra prone to sin against someone else.  When I feel unforgiven, full of guilt and regrets, I also feel hindered in my ability to forgive those whom I feel ought to share some of the shame I am under.  Notice how many times I have used the word, "feel" in the preceding sentences of this paragraph:

I feel that someone's sin against me contributed to my participation in sin.
I feel guilty, regretful, and unforgiven for the sin I committed.
I feel that these people ought to share my shame and my blame.
I feel unable to forgive, to let them off the hook, because I feel like I am still on the hook, and they had a part in putting me there.

Our feelings are not to be trusted.  Feelings are not bad, but neither are they trustworthy.  They are what they are, and we need to learn to deal with them.  This is very important.  We cannot merely invalidate our negative feelings and say, "These feelings are irrational; therefore, I do not accept these feelings."  Feelings do not evaporate when we try to stuff them down.  Stuffed feelings grow into terrible things: depression, heart disease, headaches, nausea, insomnia, random emotional outbursts, and even cancer.

Negative feelings are not the only ones that lead us into danger.  Sometimes we reap positive feelings from doing things we ought not do, and thus fall into the trap of following our deceitful hearts right down a corridor to death ("... With her smooth talk she compels him.  All at once he follows her, as an ox goes to slaughter, or as a stag is caught fast... he does not know that it will cost him his life." ~Proverbs 7:21-23).

We need to be self-aware, or, as the Bible says, we need to examine ourselves.  When we feel something, we need to acknowledge and identify what we feel.  At the same time, we must not allow our feelings to master us.  Fortunately, in identifying our feelings and contemplating them, we actually begin the path of mastering them.

The Bible does not tell us it is wrong to be afraid.  The Bible tells us that when we are afraid we should trust in God and cast our anxieties on Him (Psalm 56:3, 1 Peter 5:7).  The Bible does not command us never to be angry.  The Bible tells us that when we are angry, we should not sin, and we should work to resolve our disputes without delay.  The Bible does not tell us it is wrong to be tempted to sin.  The Bible tells us that when we are tempted, we should look to the supremacy of Christ, asking and trusting that He will show us a way of escape.

When I feel unforgiven, I may not immediately identify the feeling for what it is.  I may think I feel hurt, or cross, or perhaps anxious.  I may be annoyed with someone, or have a dread of going somewhere.  The enemy of our souls does not want us to identify when we feel unforgiven, because God has a powerful truth for us to use to combat that lie:  God showed His love for us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8).

The truth is, sin weaves an intricate and elaborate web all around us.  We are constantly influenced by the sins of others, and even by the second- and third- and fourth-hand sins of others, just as others are influenced by our sins and the disastrous ripples all sin has produced throughout history.  Our only hope is in the righteousness of Christ.  He lifts our sin off us, and grants us His perfect righteousness in exchange, infusing our mortal beings with His own perfect Holy Spirit, who takes up residence in us, changing us from one degree of glory to another into His own image, over the course of the rest of our lives.  In heaven, all sin will be gone, and I don't think we can begin to grasp how amazingly different existence will be with no sin and none of the effects of sin.  Sometimes we talk about feeling like we can breathe.  When we get to heaven, the Spirit Himself will be our perfect breath, filling our beings with something so much better than oxygen, pure and free and nourishing and mighty.  We will have all the ecstasy with no frenzy, and all the calm peace with no languor, and all the power and strength with no selfish impulses.  It is going to be beyond all comparison, this weight of glory.  We will get there.

But, working in that direction is most often a slow and painstaking process.  We are declared righteous through the atoning blood of Christ in a single instant when faith takes root in us.  In this instant, we receive His forgiveness and His Spirit enters into our body, mind and spirit.  However, following this instant, the ensuing process of becoming righteous in a practical and observable way can sometimes be exceedingly slow.  Once in awhile, a new believer takes to the new life with impressively visible and victorious ability, making amazing strides into holiness.  But it is much more common for baby Christians to embark on a pathway of stumbles and trip-ups, falling down and getting up again, two steps forward and one step back, practicing perseverance and resilience over and over again.

Not surprisingly, then, as we stumble along we sometimes find ourselves failing to feel forgiven. A few things contribute to this feeling, but two seem to be the most troubling (at least, to me):

(1) We don't feel forgiven when the consequences of our sins linger around us.

As a mother of now-adult children, this is a difficulty for me.  When I see places where I failed to help my children develop particular key skills, where I failed to understand their needs, where I failed to reflect the grace of God, I feel overwhelmed with grief for my maternal shortcomings.  Never mind that I simply did not own certain skills to pass on, much as I desired to be a good parent.  Never mind that the world has changed faster than any of us ever imagined, and it is probably true that I could not possibly have known to watch out for some of the issues that arose.  Never mind that it takes a lot of us more than 35 years to attain maturity and wisdom.  I see the effects of where I let my children down, and I grieve because the consequences of my shortcomings, my failures, my sins are right in front of my eyes, and I cannot go back and fix them.

I cannot go back and fix anything, but I have a Sovereign God who promises that He is for me, on my side.  He promises that He will work all things for good in the end.  He has a history of bringing beauty from ashes.  I rest in the power of my redeeming Lord and believe Him when He says, "Behold, I am making all things new."

(2) We don't feel forgiven when we sense the condemnation and disapproval of other people.  In other words, when other people do not forgive us, it can mess with our ability to feel that God has forgiven us.

Yet, I know my own struggles to forgive.  I know how hard it can be, even when I believe that forgiveness is crucial, mandatory, absolutely essential.  I know that God requires me to forgive, and I know that withholding forgiveness is not only a sin a against Him, but it is also a fatal poison to my soul, my health and my sanity.  If I can know and believe all these truths, and still struggle to forgive, then I must have mercy and compassion for those who withhold forgiveness from me.

I may not feel forgiven, but I must rest in the truth that God has forgiven me in Christ, that the agony of the cross is what Jesus did for me, to "purchase my pardon" as the song says.  If I can truly believe, in the depth of my heart, that God has forgiven me, that Christ took the penalty for me, that it has been dealt with and I am free to go on without this load on my back, if I can get this into my inner consciousness, then I will be able to forgive, because I will know that other people's accountability for their sin has absolutely nothing to do with me.  This should be a terrific relief, because it works both ways: I am not accountable for their sins either, in the same way that they are not accountable for mine.  This is hard for me.  I feel responsible, and I want others also to feel responsible.  But Jesus, who never sinned and never influenced anyone to sin, Jesus is the one who took responsibility for all our sin. 

I do not need to hold people accountable for how they may have influenced me to sin,
because I am not held accountable for those sins,
because Jesus died for all the sins, all of mine, all of theirs,
and it is finished.



For more about forgiveness, check out these posts.

Insufficient, yet thankful

Currently, I am preparing to teach a ladies' retreat.  I've never done this before.  Once, when I was quite young, in my twenties, I think, I was asked to speak at a Mother-Daughter Tea.  Being young, I went forward brashly and presented something completely unmemorable, probably no help to anyone.

Teaching Bible studies is the passion of my heart, and God gave me a virtually-seven-year hiatus from it.  Recently, a dear woman at our new-found church granted me the privilege of doing some long-term subbing for her while she is going through a busy and overwhelming season of life.  This has been a tremendous joy, and such a wholesome, healthy place for me to focus my mind.  How kind God is, to give me wonderful things to meditate on, while I struggle to manage troubling life issues that tempt me to doubt His goodness.

Somehow, while I was in the middle of the rich joy of studying and teaching, the women's council at our church approached me and asked if I would be the speaker at our spring ladies' retreat.

It sounded like a wonderful thing to do.  A sweet young lady asked me.  After praying, I told her, "Yes, I will do that.  I'd love to.  When is it?"  She told me it was in April.  I said, "I'll really look forward to that.  Thank you so very much for trusting me with such a responsibility.  I'll be happy to do that.  In March, when it's drawing close, I'll probably be a little freaked out and wonder why I said yes.  But right now I'm excited, and so grateful that you would ask me."

So.  It's March.  I'm having some tense times, but mostly I'm excited, although intimidated.  It's okay.  In our weekly Bible study, in 2 Corinthians, we are studying words that ask, "Who is sufficient for these things?" and answer, "Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God, who has made us to be sufficient..."

My grace is sufficient for you, God tells me, for my power is made perfect in weakness.  And God knew, exactly, that I would need these words, this encouragement, this month while I feel so insufficient.  I am insufficient, but it's okay, because God is sufficient, and He will come through.

The retreat is called:  The Way of Forgiveness:  Receiving and Extending the Grace of God.

This may be ironic, because I'm by no means a master at forgiving.  Yet, I take God's commands about forgiving very seriously, so I am always trying to learn how to forgive better.  Perhaps we teach more effectively in areas where God has made it necessary for us to practice again and again, because we keep struggling to get it right.

Yesterday as I was working on the retreat, God showed me something I can't believe I'd never seen before.  It's not about forgiveness, exactly,  It's about apologizing, about being the one who needs to ask for forgiveness.  Do you know that a good apology can help someone tremendously with their struggle to forgive?  That's not the new thing God showed me, though.  God showed me something else. He showed me that in the forgiveness process, if you apologize to someone and ask for forgiveness, and the person says, "I forgive you," that is not the end.  No!  There is one more thing, a very important step to bring closure for both parties.  After someone tells you, "I forgive you," it is very important to say, "Thank you."

Did you know that?  I don't know why I never realized it before.  Forgiveness is an undeserved gift, and if someone gives you this gift, you need to respond with appropriate gratitude.  If you don't feel thankful for the forgiveness you receive, you must not have been appropriately sorry for the wrong you did.

I realized this because the Bible says, "Forgive as God in Christ forgives you."  We pattern our human confession-forgiveness exchanges after the grace of God.  All who have truly received the Lord's forgiveness surge up with gratitude for this great gift.  We should also be grateful for forgiveness extended to us from another person.  This requires great humility, but it pays in an abundance of joy and restoration.

Think about how fears would be allayed and life would be different if we learned this conversation:

I'm sorry.

I forgive you.

Thank you.

Undeserved forgiveness

Forgiveness is the heart of true Christianity.

Forgiveness is the remedy for sin, which is the core of all the trouble in the Universe.

We cannot survive if we do not receive and extend forgiveness.

Forgiveness is absolutely essential.

Given the importance of forgiveness, we need to have an accurate understanding of what it is, and what it is not.

Forgiveness is a gracious response to a wrong.  Forgiveness is what you do when someone sins against you, and you respond with grace rather than vengeance.  Forgiveness is what you receive when you sin against someone, and the person chooses to give you grace rather than punishing you.

Grace--by definition--is not deserved.  Therefore, forgiveness is not deserved.  Nobody deserves to be forgiven.  You cannot earn forgiveness; you can only accept it.  You should never try to demand forgiveness, because that would deface its very nature.  If you need to be forgiven, but the person you wronged struggles to forgive you, you must wait patiently and pray for the person to heal from the hurt you caused.  Tender wounds get in the way of forgiveness, and if you caused the wound, you must not then compound the problem by condemning your victim for not immediately forgiving and forgetting.

Christians, in particular, can have a hard time with this.  Jesus commanded us to forgive.  Forgiveness is absolutely essential.  Yet, as we consider this, we must only apply it to ourselves:  I must forgive.  I must not demand that others forgive me.  Jesus did not command forgiveness so that I could go to someone I've hurt and say, "You have to forgive me.  Jesus said so."

At the same time, it is much better for people to forgive.  If you hurt someone, and that person cannot seem to forgive you, it is a compassionate thing to pray and ask God to help that person find the freedom of forgiveness.  If you can do it humbly, and in the interest of the other person, it can be good to pray for God to help someone forgive you.

When we sin, we need to feel the weight of our sin and be sorry from the depths of our hearts.  We need to examine what we did and consider the effects.  We need to honestly assess the damage we caused.  We need to imagine the way others felt in the wake of our behavior.  When we sin, we should experience sorrow over what we have broken, be it a dish, a promise, or a heart.

If the person against whom we sinned needs time to heal and recover, we must be patient.  We should try to help the healing process in any way we can.  We should ask what we can do to improve the situation.  Understanding how deeply we have hurt someone should lead us to prayer and acts of compassion, not impatience and judgment.

We also need to understand that forgiveness does not mean that what happened was okay, or that it doesn't matter.  Both the forgiver and the offender need to understand this.  Forgiveness would not be required if what happened was no big deal.  Forgiveness is when we radically give up our right to shame someone for hurting us, and say, "I do not like what you did, but I will absorb the consequences, trusting God to work for good, and hope that by grace you will be able to do better in the future." 

And when we receive forgiveness, we should receive it humbly, recognizing and acknowledging that we do not deserve it, that we could never deserve it.  We should receive forgiveness with gratitude and thanksgiving, with a heart that says, "I don't know how you can forgive me, but thank you."

This, after all, is what we say to the Lord who, while we were yet sinners, died to obtain forgiveness for us.  The human forgiveness process is to be patterned after God's forgiveness process.

Be kind to one another,

tenderhearted,

forgiving one another,

as God in Christ forgave you.

~Ephesians 4:32

Parenting with no guarantees

Recently I watched an online video called, "Gospel Parenting," by one of the Tripp brothers. (Confession: I don't know the difference between the Tripp brothers.)  It was really good.  Really good.  I agree with him 100%. (Confession: I only watched half, because it was incredibly painful.)

Why would a person watch parenting videos, after it's over, after it's too late?

Oh, the guilt.

Oh, the regrets.

I tried, I really did.  I loved my children wholeheartedly, and still do.  More than anything, I wanted them to grow up loving and serving Jesus.  I also wanted to get some sleep sometimes, and to have a reasonably clean, organized home.  I also wanted peace within family relationships: obedience, and siblings who did not fight with each other.  Wanting these things--rest, order, peace--sometimes resulted in selfish parenting, parenting from a heart that was personally unhappy with the way things were, rather than because I was trying to teach my children about the grace of God through Christ.

Mr. Tripp speaks about this other kind of parenting: parenting the heart, intentionally, with an emphasis on grace and redemption.  I actually tried to do this.  I read some Tripp books before it was "too late."  I tried to learn and implement grace in the way I related to my children, but I wasn't very good at it.

I messed up.  A lot.

And yet, I still hold out hope.

Because it isn't about me.  Even if I had been a perfect parent, which is an unfeasible goal, there would be no guarantee.  Because we do not save our children.  Jesus saves our children.  We can try to parent a heart ("Shepherd your child's heart," Mr. Tripp teaches) -- but it is only God who can change hearts.  Only the Father can draw a soul into His eternal kingdom.  Praise God, it depends on Him and not on me.

This is not to excuse mistakes and failures, but it is to hold out hope.  We have an almighty, sovereign God who loves the world (John 3:16) and desires that everyone would understand the truth and be saved (1 Timothy 2:3-4).  If God is for us, who can stand against us (Romans 8:31). . . or against the children we love?

There is a thing.  I'm sure I used to fall into it myself.  It's this thing where we look around at the people with the prodigal sons and daughters, and we analyze what they did wrong, so we can be sure we don't do that.

We bring all these charges:
They let their kids eat too much sugar.
They let their kids watch too much TV.
They don't monitor what their kids are doing on the computer.
They don't let their kids get dirty.
They hover over their kids.
They don't pay enough attention to their kids.
They put their kids into too many extracurricular activities.
They work all the time, and don't do anything with their kids.
They don't have family devotions.
They make family devotions long and boring.
They spank.
They don't spank.
They punish for irrational things.
They are angry all the time.
They don't explain consequences clearly.
They think their kids are always right.
They don't follow through with what they say they will do.
They skip church.
They buy their kids everything they want.
They get their kids out of trouble when they should let them learn a lesson.
They let their kids take their phones to bed.
--And on and on and on--

It's a litany of explanations for parental failure.  We analyze and evaluate, and then we determine that we will not fall into any of those errors, so we will be assured that our children will grow up to be smart, beautiful, God-fearing, productive citizens with good jobs, who will always have the best of relationships with us, because we have parented so effectively.

But there is no guarantee.  No guarantee.

I've been on both sides: the side of self-righteous judgment of other parents, and the side of spectacular failure of my own.  (I am sure, under the sovereign rule of God, that this is no accident.)

It's the sin of Job's friends.  Job's friends looked at Job's suffering, and they were horrified to see his pain.  This is how their minds processed it:  "Job is suffering terribly.  I am not suffering the way Job is suffering.  I do not want to suffer the way Job is suffering.  Clearly, Job is being punished for a grievous sin.  I will not commit a grievous sin, because I do not want to experience such horrible suffering.  I will exhort Job to confess his sin and repent of it, so that God can end his suffering."

Do you see?  Do you see the parallel?

We want to know how we can control outcomes, so we look at other people's misfortunes, and we determine that we will not make the mistakes they made that got them there.  Like Job's friends, we want to consider the parents of rebellious children and assure ourselves that we have not made the mistakes that landed them in their predicament.

Job said again and again that he was blameless, that he had not sinned.  We know absolutely that he was not a sinless man, because all men are sinful.  There is no-one who is righteous apart from the grace of God.  Job was not implying that he was a perfect person.  What he meant was, "I've not done anything in particular that God is trying to teach me not to do.  I've not sinned more--and, in fact, I've possibly sinned less--than you, my friends."

This made his friends crazy.  Why?  Because they wanted to be able to know that they were exempt from the risk of going through what Job was going through.

As parents, we want to know that we have done all the things to make us exempt from going through what the parents of prodigals go through.

But there are no guarantees.  It isn't about our performance as parents.  There is no legalistic formula that parents can follow to get perfect kids.

Now, there is value in learning from other people's mistakes.  Certainly.  Similarly, we cannot take the truth that, "There are no guarantees," and use it as justification for not trying to do our best.  We have to try to teach and influence to the best of our ability, by the grace of God and the power of the Holy Spirit.  Sometimes we will do well, and sometimes we will falter, and regardless of our performance, outcomes will vary.  But we have to strive--with God's help--to discern a good path and walk it, because our actions are what we, personally, are accountable to God for.  We are accountable for our actions, not the outcomes of our actions.

If we love our children and faithfully do our best to shepherd them, repenting of our errors and asking for forgiveness, God will be glorified in our efforts, regardless of how our children turn out.

If we parent selfishly and badly, and are unrepentant about our shortfallings, then that is on us.  Even if our children turn out well, growing up to love and serve the Lord, their success does not vindicate us.

I don't know anything.  What I thought I knew, I suspect was not right--at least, not entirely.  I know I was sometimes harsh when I should have been gentle, and I sometimes caved in when I should have stood fast.  At times, I cried when I should have laughed, and I despaired when I should have trusted in the Lord.  I also loved my children deeply, worked hard, poured out as much as I could, and seriously prioritized their needs.  I made intentional efforts to teach them about Jesus and to get them involved in places where they would be encouraged in the faith by others.  I prayed without ceasing.  I tried hard, and sometimes I still fell flat on my face.

All the advice I have at this point is based on what I wish I had done better:

• Be gentle and kind.  Encourage.
• Learn and model humility.  
• Remember how much Jesus has forgiven me, and extend that same grace.  
• Always hope, because God is faithful and good.  
• Be thankful, and let thankfulness overflow in observable joy.  
• Thank God for the future.
• Trust God, because everything is in His hands.

Three helps, when you're working on forgiving

Back to forgiveness, again.

Sometimes I think that when Jesus told Peter that he should forgive seventy-seven times--or seventy times seven times--the point was not so much that people would continue to sin against us, and need to be forgiven many times (although they surely would).  Rather, I think the point may have been that as many times as a wrong reoccurs to us, as many times as we remember and feel a twinge of pain, we need to forgive.  Again and again and again and again and again and again and again.

Forgiveness is hard.  I've written about this many times already.  It's hard to forgive when somebody doesn't apologize.  It's hard when somebody apologizes, but continues to repeat the offense.  It's hard when somebody makes excuses, or transfers the blame back to us.  It's hard when the offense was something we feel that we would never do--we know better--and it seems that the offender has absolutely no defense for acting so inappropriately.  Forgiveness is hard.

Forgiveness is also necessary.  We all need grace.  God tells us in His Word that we are to forgive, because He has forgiven us.  In God's eyes, sin is is sin.  Even what we might consider a very small sin is enough to separate us from fellowship with the Lord.  When Jesus died on the cross to pay the price for our sins, He died for the little lie, the selfish attitude, and the stapler stolen from the office desk just as surely as He died for the drug runner, the sex trafficker and the serial murderer.  We all struggle with the temptation to consider that our own sins are less offensive, less serious, and that other people's sins are much worse, especially the ones that hurt us.  However, Jesus doesn't see it this way.  To Jesus, a prideful Pharisee is just as guilty as a cheating tax collector, perhaps even moreso if he refuses to acknowledge his faults.  Every sin is fatal if it is not forgiven.  Jesus actually said, "If you will not forgive others their sins, my Heavenly Father will not forgive you your sins" (Matthew 6:15).  This is awfully serious business.  We often talk about how we need to forgive for our own good, which is completely true.  We will be miserable as long as we cling to our grudges.  But beyond that, beyond the truth that forgiving is a release that is good for us, we need to forgive because God commands us to, and there are dire consequences if we refuse.  Forgiveness is necessary.

Because forgiveness is both necessary and very difficult, I've come up with three helps, things you can think about and work through if you need to forgive and are having a difficult time with it.

1.  Learn this truth:  Hurt people hurt people.

When people have been hurt, they often hurt others; it's like dominoes.  People who are bullied turn into bullies.  People who are abused turn into abusers.  People who are neglected do not learn how to show compassion.  A person who is having a very difficult day might turn and lash out at someone else, perhaps even a completely innocent party.  We can never predict which straw will break the proverbial camel's back.  All we know for sure is this: when stress mounts up, at a certain point it breaks a person.  (As a corollary, one should try to be a person who alleviates stress, as much as rightfully possible, rather than yet another in the chain of people heaping stress onto someone.  If you add to someone's stress, even in a very small way, there is always the chance that it will be your action that becomes the last straw.)

Healthy people do not go around hurting others.  Damaged people are the ones who hurt others.  You may not see their internal damage.  You may be hurt by someone who seems to be much more fortunate than you: stronger, richer, more popular, more beautiful.  Think about it, though.  People we call "spoiled" are those who have always been catered to, always given their way, always allowed to have what they want.  But what do we call them?  "Spoiled."  Something spoiled is ruined, damaged.  What would have been good has gone bad.  Some people have been hurt by their upbringing.  They were never  taught to be sensitive to others, never taught to sacrifice for someone else's good, never taught to be humble, or to listen, or to apologize and make things right.  Indulgence itself is a type of hurt because of the bad results it produces.  People who have been indulged as children grow up ill-equipped to navigate life, handle disappointments and interact with others.  In this way, even seemingly fortunate people can become very insecure, and thus meaner than ever, as they have negative experiences in adult life because of their lacking skills.

Pain and insecurity make people unable to see past themselves to attend to the needs of others, breeding selfishness, which manifests in hurtful behavior.  Whenever someone hurts you, remember that he or she is merely failing to compensate for his or her own past hurts.  This should help you become more compassionate and more forgiving, as you seek to demonstrate Christlike love.

2.  Learn people's backstories, when you can.

Learning about someone's backstory can also help you in the forgiveness process.  When you understand more about where behavior comes from, you can have compassion on the person who offended you.  Sometimes you might find yourself needing to forgive other, additional people as you learn backstories, because, as we mentioned, hurtful behavior is a domino effect, and there was always another domino behind the one who hurt the person who hurt the person who hurt the person who hurt you.  Ultimately, the original domino was Satan, who introduced sin into the garden of Eden.  He is the origin of all the hurts in the world.  In the end, God is going to deal with Satan and get rid of him forever.  In the meantime, the rest of us must have compassion for each other, and forgive each other as we struggle together under the cumulative effects of sin.

Here's a trick:  if you aren't going to be able to learn someone's backstory, for whatever reason, make up an imaginary backstory for that person.  Imagine what kinds of past life circumstances and events might have induced you to fall into such a behavior pattern yourself, and then attribute those circumstances to the person who was hurtful toward you.  Be generous.  Don't say, "I would never do that, no matter what!"  You would not do it based on the knowledge and experiences that you have had, but what if you lacked a lot of the knowledge you have, and had totally different experiences?  Also, think about what kinds of things could have been different in your offender's past, that might have averted the problem.  Grieve for the offender that things were not that way.  (This exercise might also open your eyes to be more thankful for your own situation.)   Be gracious and cut slack in the same way you wish people would cut slack for you in your own failings which, while they may be completely different, certainly do exist.  Because all have sinned.  Yet, in Christ there is always hope.

3.  See people in terms of what they can become with God's grace, rather than defining them by a collection of their past mistakes.

People change.  God works miraculous transformations in people's lives.  Choose not to characterize a person by something he/she did that you didn't like, defining him/her as a "bad" person forever after that.  Instead, pray for the person to change.  Believe that God is able to change him/her.  Have faith.  Expect to see our good and glorious God do good and glorious things.  Accept and affirm change when you see it.  This will help you forgive.



The Bible says that we are to forgive others in the same way that God forgives us, in Christ Jesus.

When we speak of forgiving as God forgives us in Jesus Christ, the big take-away is that forgiveness is costly and painful.  God forgave us in Jesus when Jesus was crucified and shed His blood to pay the price for our sins.   Don't expect forgiveness to be painless.  Forgiveness is a form of suffering that we choose to share with our Savior.

A corollary take-away is that God knows everything about us, understands our weaknesses and has compassion on us (Psalm 103 -- He remembers that we are dust).   Just as His perfect wisdom is part of His grace, the more we understand about a situation, the better we will be able to extend grace.

Another corollary take-away is that God knows what we will be like in our redeemed, perfected state, and He is willing to work with us and help us until we attain perfection, which won't be until eternity (1 John 3:2).  We are called to trust God, to work with Him on our sanctification (becoming more Christlike), and to grow in the grace we receive from Him, extending it to other fallen beings in the world around us.  Believe that God is working in others, just as He is working in you.

If you still struggle to forgive, spend some time meditating on how much you have been forgiven.  When we grasp what great things the Lord has done for us, it frees us to love as we have been loved, totally undeserving.

What does "I'm sorry" mean?

I write about forgiveness fairly often, not because I am good at it, but because I always need to work on it.  Recently, I came across this podcast on Facebook, and since it was about forgiveness,  I listened to it.  Although this ministry exists primarily to help marriages, I think the principles about forgiveness apply to all of our relationships.

Chris Grace and Tim Muehlhoff of Biola University explain that a good apology includes the following words:

I'm sorry.  I was wrong.  Please forgive me.

Have you ever had someone speak these words to you, and still, in your heart, felt that you would not forgive?

Certain circumstances, egregious or continual offenses, can make forgiveness hard.  For instance, if somebody burned your house down, or if your marriage partner broke faith and committed adultery against you, or if someone killed your child, no matter how repentant they were, you still might struggle to forgive.  They've destroyed something that can never be replaced.  How can you forgive in the face of such loss?  Or what about people who continually let you down, promising and habitually failing to keep their promises?  They say they are sorry, admit they are wrong, ask humbly for forgiveness, but then go back and do exactly the same thing, over and over again.

There are situations that make forgiveness even harder than it is otherwise, and it is plenty hard in any situation.  Notwithstanding, a good, thorough apology truly helps in the forgiveness process.

Grace and Muehlhoff brought out the idea that Christians sometimes play an unfair "trump card" (I put the term in quotes because it isn't a valid trump card) in demanding forgiveness--since it is commanded in the Bible--without giving a complete or compassionate apology.  They blurt out, "I'm sorry," not sounding particularly sorry at all, but figuring that since they have gone through the ignominy of speaking the dreaded words, "I'm sorry," they are absolved.  The case is closed.  The offended party is required to extend forgiveness, forget it ever happened, and never mention it again.

But.

There is no apology if there is no compassion.

I'm sorry.  

"I'm sorry," means that the speaker feels compassion, sorrow.  The word "sorry" comes from the word "sorrow."

To say, "I'm sorry," means that you have considered the other person's point of view.  You have taken time to imagine walking in his shoes, and you have understood something of the hurt or frustration he feels.

"I'm sorry," means, "My heart has sorrow for the pain you feel."

Now, this may or may not communicate responsibility for those feelings.  When someone loses a loved one, we often say, "I'm sorry."  We are sorry for his loss, his grief.  We feel compassion.  We do not feel responsible.  There are many times when we feel sad for someone, and when we do, we say, "I'm sorry," to express our sympathy for his situation, not because we think we evoked his pain.

One should never say, "I'm sorry," in an angry, sarcastic tone of voice and then storm out of the room, for that is a lie.  In such an instance, what the person means is, "I'm frustrated with you for being frustrated with me and I'm not going to talk about this anymore."  It is a total communication breakdown, and--in fact--the opposite of compassion.  If it is an attempt by a Christian to invoke the requirement of forgiveness from another Christian, then it is worse than a lie.  It lying for the purpose of exploiting and manipulating.  It is not fair.

This is why the second phrase in the apology is so very important:

I was wrong.

Here, the offender not only expresses compassion for the feelings of the offended, he also takes responsibility for causing the feelings.  It is even better if the offender names the actual point of offense:  "I was wrong when I [--insert short description of the offensive behavior-- ]."

This may be painful for me, if I am the one who committed the offense.  I may not like the humiliation of reliving my failure by talking about it.  But it is a very good thing to do, because although it may cause me some pain, it will ultimately heal the relationship.  It's like digging out a sliver.  It hurts to dig a sliver out, but the wound heals much more quickly and completely once it's removed.  Also, the earlier you work on cleaning it up, the easier it is. 

When you don't get the sliver out, a scar forms over it, and there it is, a lasting visible reminder of the injury.  Do you want to clunk up your relationships with scar-covered slivers?  Or are you willing to do the good but painful work of removing the slivers and making the relationship as beautiful as it can be?

Grace and Muehlhoff brought out the idea that sometimes a hurt person needs to sift through what happened, as part of his forgiveness process.  Sometimes the issue requires discussion.  In order for trust to be rebuilt, the hurt person needs to be reassured that the other person recognizes how his behavior was hurtful, and that he has a plan for how to avoid causing the same hurt in the future.  The person who caused the hurt may refuse to talk about it, claiming, "You are a bitter, unforgiving, wicked person, certainly not a Christian, because you are not supposed to keep bringing this up."  If he does, the other person, being a Christian, may (and should) still forgive him.  However, the trust will be eroded rather than rebuilt.

There is a difference between bringing something up because the hurt is lingering as a result of a need for better closure in the forgiveness process, and bringing something up to humiliate and manipulate and try to get one-up on the other person.

This requires discernment.

If you can honestly say, "We have discussed this before, and I have owned my wrongdoing.  I am sorry that I hurt you when I [ --insert short description of the offensive behavior-- ].  It was wrong of me, and I have asked you to forgive me for doing this.  When you keep bringing it, up, I feel as though you have not forgiven me.  Have you forgiven me?  Can we stop bringing it up?"-- if you can honestly say this, it is a fair thing to say.  If, however, the subject continues to resurface because you refuse to name and own your offense, then you may need to reconsider whether you have apologized appropriately.   Sometimes you may even need to make some sort of restitution; for instance, if you told a lie, you may need to go back and set the record straight.  Relationships are wrecked when wrongs remain outstanding.

Often, especially in Christian circles, people get stuck forgiving people who are neither compassionate nor repentant.  It is what we are called to do.  But if you are a Christian, and you are forcing someone else to forgive you without offering an honest apology, then you are in sin, and you are causing an injustice.  It is more fair, more just, for you--when you are the offending party--to experience some pain in the forgiveness process, than for an offended party to experience additional pain.  The offended party already underwent pain; you caused it, and that's why you need his forgiveness.  Don't cause more pain.  If it's your fault, then suck it up and take your lumps.  The other person has to forgive you; that's on him, whether or not you apologize.  But if you do things to hinder his forgiveness, that's on you, and you should not take it lightly.  The eyes of the Lord are everywhere.

What if you honestly don't believe that you were wrong, though?  What then?

This calls for discernment as well.

There are people who call it "hurt" when they are simply angry that they did not get their way about something.  "I wanted another ice-cream cone, and you would only buy me one ice-cream cone, so you hurt my feelings!"  This is pretty easy.  You say, "I'm sorry that you feel angry because I did not buy you a second ice-cream cone.  I do not like to make you angry.  I would rather make you happy.  However, two ice-cream cones would not be good for you, and it would be a waste of money.  I hope you will try to understand my reasons for not buying the second ice-cream cone."  This would generally be an adult-child situation.  I recognize that adult-adult situations are more complex.  My advice: don't talk to an adult as though you were talking to a child, even if you feel that he should not be upset, and that you did nothing wrong.

Sometimes you are not wrong.

Sometimes you are wrong but you resist acknowledging it, because none of us likes to be wrong.

Here is a list of questions you can ask yourself in a situation where someone wants an apology from you, but you do not believe that you are wrong:

1.  Have I taken this issue to God and invited Him to examine my heart?  We need to invite God to search our hearts and see if there is any offensive way in them.  Our hearts are deceitful, and we cannot trust ourselves.  We always default to self-justification.  We must begin by laying the issue before the Lord and letting Him show us His perspective on what is happening.  Realize that only God is ever perfectly right.  In any conflict between humans, some people are more right, and some people are more wrong, but there is never a person who is perfectly right.
2. Am I being compassionate?  Am I obeying Philippians 2, and placing the other person's interests ahead of my own?  Am I choosing humility over vain conceit or selfish ambition?  Am I respecting the other person's viewpoint?  Am I willing to close my eyes and imagine how this looks and feels to the other person?  Is my goal to show compassion, or is my goal to prove that I am right?  Am I, or am I not, concerned that I have caused pain?
3. Am I focusing on what I perceive that the other person did, and how I feel about it?  This is the natural default, and it is good to be aware that this is where our hearts will naturally turn. I may have done something unintentionally, but it may have been hurtful to the other person.  When the other person says, "Hey! That hurt me!" my default is probably to focus on what the other person did (point out my mistake) and how I feel about it (angry and embarrassed).  Instead, I need to be willing to focus on what I did, and how my actions made the other person feel.  Turn the whole thing around.  Seriously, do I want the "freedom" to go around obliviously hurting and offending people, or do I want to mend my ways and heal my relationships?
4. Do I honestly feel sorrow over the other person's distress?  Or am I simply annoyed with the other person for being distressed?  If I don't feel sorrow for having caused distress, should I?  If I should feel bad, but I don't, why don't I?  Do I accept responsibility for myself?  Do I care about the effects of my actions on others?  Does it bother me to have division in this relationship?  Based on this person's relationship to me, what stakes do I have in mending-vs-avoiding the issue?
5. What am I prioritizing in this situation?  Am I more interested in prideful self-justification, or in kindness and reconciliation?  If I am prioritizing justice, how might an application of grace be of value?  If I am prioritizing my comfort, is it more comfortable to prove myself right than to live in grace and harmony?  If I am prioritizing what I honestly believe to be the most ethical course of action, how can I openly and compassionately communicate with the other person to help us both focus on where we agree rather than where we are at odds? 
6. Am I being defensive?  It is never productive to be defensive.  If you are right, you don't need a defense.  If you are wrong, you don't have a defense.  So don't be defensive.  Compassion will yield much better fruit than defensiveness, every time.
7. Am I demonstrating the love of Christ?   Above all things, the Bible tells us, put on love, for love covers over a multitude of wrongs.  Grace means we can choose to pay the price for someone else.  Sometimes, if you respond to someone's hurt with a compassionate, prompt and sincere apology, the other person will realize that he also played a part in the problem, and he will reciprocate with an apology to you.  Sometimes he won't.  (Sometimes he shouldn't have to.)  It's your job to do the right thing, in any case.  If you've caused someone to have a problem with you, then you should help him forgive you, by apologizing.  This is responsible and loving.

Please forgive me.  

Here is the last phrase in a complete apology.  Usually, if you did the first part well, the forgiveness will flow freely.  It always does from God.



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In praise of apologies

The Lord's Prayer

I've been praying The Lord's Prayer lately.  When I have no words of my own, I use His.  It can't hurt.  When my heart aches in desperation to pray, the words of this familiar prayer take on deep meaning.  I feel them, and they are new, not blindingly rote.

Our Father in Heaven, hallowed be Your name.

I realize that this is my cry for the glory of God to be seen on earth, recognized, acknowledged.  Isaiah 45:22-24 says that this will happen.  Some day, even those who have raged against Him will proclaim that He alone is Lord, and be put to shame.  Philippians 2:10-11 reiterates the same thing; every knee will bow and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord.

Your Kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.

Although I long for God's justice to put an end to evil, exploitation, dishonesty, violence, sickness, sadness, danger and fear, I am thankful that God grants time for the rebellious to repent.  As I pray these words, I remind myself that I can--and must--trust in God's perfect wisdom and timing.  I repeat again and again, "Your will be done.  Do Your will, O Lord.  Bring Your will to pass."  I remember that He is good, and that His will, accomplished, will showcase His glory and pour out blessings on His people.   God wants all men to be saved and come to a knowledge of the truth.  He is not willing that any should perish.  "Your will be done, Lord Jesus."

Give us this day our daily bread.

This is the easiest part of the prayer:  Be our Provider.  Give us what we need: food, clothing, shelter, jobs.  Thank you for all You have given.  Thank you that You are the Source of everything.  Thank you for Jesus who is the bread of life, fulfilling our deepest needs.

And forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.

This is the hardest part of the prayer.  Right there after the easiest part is the hardest part.  It is so hard to forgive.  I wonder, do you think forgiveness is hard for God?  I don't think anything is really hard for God.  Yet, Jesus sweat drops of blood in the garden before He gave His life to purchase our forgiveness, and on the cross He cried out, "My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?"  Dying for the sins of the world was not easy; it was excruciating.

When the Bible tells us to forgive as the Lord forgave us (Colossians 3:13), to forgive just as in Christ God forgave us (Ephesians 4:32), this is a tall order.  We will sometimes go through excruciating pain to forgive.  Jesus did.  We are called to bear the brunt and absorb the wrong, which we could never do except by the power of the Holy Spirit living in us.

At the same time, to forgive as Christ forgave us is not to sweep the wrong that was done under a rug.  Christ died to forgive very real sins, very concrete wrongs that had been and would be committed.  Had the wrong not been real, no bloodshed would have been necessary.  So when we forgive, it is appropriate and good to name the offense which we are forgiving, and acknowledge the damage that was done.  We then take the situation to Jesus for repair, the glorious truth being that He can rehabilitate where no human could make restitution.

Additionally, the Bible says, "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from unrighteousness."  So, if we are patterning our forgiveness after the Lord's, we see a condition here in His forgiveness: confession.  There is something about confession and repentance that completes the forgiveness process.  This is not an excuse to withhold forgiveness until someone apologizes.  You have to stand with open arms, forgiveness freely flowing from your heart, just like Jesus.  However, without confession and repentance on the part of the wrongdoer, there will not likely be restoration.  The relationship will not be put right.  Confession and repentance are required in order for forgiveness to be received and completed.  Only the Holy Spirit can move someone's heart to confess and receive forgiveness.

When I come to this part of the Lord's Prayer, I generally have to stop and say, "Jesus, please help me to forgive.  Please help me to put all the unresolved hurts into Your hands, and trust You to make them right.  Please help me to promote peace in my relationships, and please protect me from bitterness.  Please help me not to displease You with an unforgiving spirit."   I'm not going to lie.  Some days, this is difficult because the forgetting part of forgiveness is connected to being able to work through latent issues that were never resolved, and whenever something triggers a memory, the battle to forgive begins anew.  Back to Jesus we crawl.  Praise Him for His patience and forbearance.

I have to get this right, because I need His forgiveness for myself.  Why do my sins seem more blurry than my hurts?  Forgive me for this, too, dear Lord.  Have mercy.

Then I go on:

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil

Here I nearly break down into tears, for myself, for the whole world and its evil propensities, for all the people trapped in sin, and all the victims of other people's sins.  Deliver us from evil, I pray, deliver us from evil, from deception, from selfishness and pride.  Deliver us from foolishness and from all the idols we worship, from addictions and lusts and materialism and mean-spirited judgmentalism.  Deliver us from competition and favoritism, unforgiveness and bitterness.  Deliver us from the devil's traps and from our own fleshly desires.  Deliver us from evil, Lord Jesus, and show us what is good, teach us to love the good.  Teach us to long for Your beauty and worship You alone.

For Yours is the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory Forever.  Amen.

This is our hope.  The Kingdom of God will come in power and glory and reign for all eternity.  He promised, and He always keeps His promises.  Every wrong will be righted, every hurt healed.  The Lord Himself will be our light, our life, our perfect dwelling place.  This is what we have to look forward to.  This is our confidence.  We will see Him as He is, and we will be blown away by His unutterable beauty, glory and goodness.  There will be no darkness to cloud the visage of God.  As we gaze on Him, we will become like Him, perfect and whole ourselves, free from the curse of sin that drives people to hurt and be hurt.  There will be no more pain, only perfect safety and security and joy forever with our Father.

Yes.  That is what I have been praying.  Now that I've written it down, maybe I will read it when I have trouble finding words to pray.  Maybe I'll even read it aloud.

In praise of apologies

A couple days ago, I was looking for my refill ink cartridges for my fountain pen.  Shawn also has a fountain pen, and some time ago he asked to use one of my refill cartridges for his pen.  That was the last time I remembered seeing the little packet of refills, so when I couldn't find them in a couple of places that I looked, I went to Shawn.

"Do you know where my refill cartridges went?" I asked him, holding up my dry pen.

"No," he replied.

"Remember how you asked me to give you a cartridge?  What did you do with them after I gave you one?" I was getting a tad snippy.

"I believe I handed them back to you," he said.  "They aren't here."  He was sitting in the study, at his desk, at his computer.  I reached in front of him, pushy, a bit rough, and yanked out his desk drawer to have a look.  He helped me sift through the contents of the drawer, a bit defensive.  "They aren't here," he maintained.  They weren't.

"Can't you remember what you did with them?" I demanded, "I need one and I can't find them."

"I'm pretty sure I handed them back to you."

"Hmph."  I stomped away, frustrated.

And then I thought of another place to look: the nightstand next to my side of the bed, where I usually store the pen.  It probably should have been the first place I looked, and sure enough, there they were.

Shannon says there is sometimes a point in an argument where you realize that you are wrong, and that realization is one of the worst feelings in the world.  At the moment I found my ink refills, I felt terrible, as though I'd taken a fist to the gut.  I'd all but accused Shawn of losing them for me, and suddenly there they were, in my very own nightstand, right in the little basket where I keep pens and writing supplies, exactly where I must have put them myself.

In that moment, I could have said nothing.  I could have pretended the cartridges were still lost.  I could have put down my empty pen and quietly gone downstairs to work on laundry or dinner.

But instead, I swallowed and called out, "Oh my word!  I found them!"

Shawn, from the study, said, "Where were they?"

"Right here, in my nightstand," I admitted.  "I'm sure I must have put them here myself.  I don't know why I didn't think to look here first."  And then I said, "I'm sorry."

I said, "I'm sorry I was mean, and crabby, and acted like I thought you were to blame.  That wasn't very nice of me.  Will you forgive me?"

And do you know what?  He did.  He did forgive me, and we went on to have quite a lovely, peaceful and harmonious day.

In apologizing, I gained for myself forgiveness, peace and freedom from the need to cover up what I had done.  It was so worth it. It was a blessing.  Also, I was able to ask my husband to help me replace the dry cartridge in my pen and get my pen up and running, right away.

I wish everyone could learn the beauty of an honest apology, well spoken.  An apology is such a relief for everybody.  An apology blesses both the one who apologizes, and the one who receives the apology.

Apologies mitigate the damage that happens in relationships.

The awkwardness that you feel in realizing that you are wrong, and acknowledging it, and saying that you are sorry for what you have done, that awkwardness is literally nothing compared to the awkwardness that results from months or years of unacknowledged wrong eroding a relationship.

When you agree with someone that you are wrong, that you have acted badly and are sorry, this is disarming.  It takes all the tension out of the fight immediately.  People cannot be defensive if you are agreeing with them.

"You were mean," the wronged party says, expecting to have to prove it to you.

"Yes," you agree.  "I was mean.  I wish I hadn't been.  I'm sorry.  What can I do to rebuild your trust in me?"

Boom.  The fight is over.

Another thing: Pretending that nothing happened never makes a problem go away.  Insisting on pretending that nothing happened is cruel.  Everybody knows that something happened, especially the person you most directly hurt.  If you want to build walls of resentment, pretend that nothing happened.  Pretend that you didn't do anything and watch the hurt multiply while the relationship disintegrates.  If you really want to kill a relationship, pretend that you are faultless and the injured person is just a head-case with no right to be angry.  Tell the injured person, "You have no right to bring that up.  That is in the past, and you are over-interpreting, stewing, being bitter."  Expect that the injured party should agree, "Nothing happened; it is all in my head.  The problem is all my fault.  I do not deserve resolution.  I do not deserve an apology."  Tell the injured party, "Move on!"  He might do just that, maybe even without you.

Here's the deal: when you need forgiveness, you need forgiveness.  To receive forgiveness, you have to be sorry, admit what you did wrong, name your sin and acknowledge the damage that resulted from it, own these things and repent of them.  And here's the next deal: when you do all that, you get the most fabulous freedom and peace you can imagine.  The destructive cycle begins at once to reverse, and you were the one who reversed it!  Why wouldn't you want that?

Yes, we need to forgive whether people ask for forgiveness or not.  When you are the injured party, you have to extend forgiveness to the one who hurt you.

But don't you know?  If you are the one who caused the hurt, you are the one with the true opportunity to fix things.  Forgiveness extended does not culminate in restoration until it is received by the one who did wrong.  To receive forgiveness, you need to apologize, expressing true sorrow for the wrong you did and the hurt you caused.  It stings for a moment, but it makes things so much better in the long run.

It is the same when we come to God.  He freely offers forgiveness to all who ask.  However, salvation is only for those who do avail themselves of His forgiveness.  You need to start out by being convicted of your sins.  You need to feel the guilt of your wrongdoing.  Guilt, when you have done wrong, is a good thing that leads to the next step in healing: confession.  After you are convicted of sin, you confess your sin.  Name your wrongdoing.  Ponder the effects of what you have done, and grieve over them.  Wish in your heart that you had made better choices, and determine that next time you will make better choices, because you understand the ugliness of doing things the wrong way.  This is repentance:  Turning from the wrong way and heading in the right way.  Agreeing with the one you have wronged that you have done wrong.

When we confess and repent, God promises absolutely to forgive us and cleanse us from unrighteousness, to wash us and make us new, to restore us (1 John 1:9).  This is the beauty of becoming God's child.  We are reborn out of our confession and repentance into a renewed state where God's Spirit purifies us and teaches us to walk in grace.

Lastly, I've heard it said that it is never too late to send a thank-you note.  That goes exponentially for an apology.  Whether it's days, weeks, or even years or decades overdue, it's never too late to apologize.  Admit your wrong.  Own your responsibility.  Ask for forgiveness.  And let the healing begin.  You'll be so glad you did.

To whom do you need to apologize today?

Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar
and there remember that your brother has something against you,
leave your gift there in front of the altar. 
First go and be reconciled to your brother;
then come and offer your gift.
Matthew 5:23-24 (niv)

Forgiveness and Suffering

This is a repost from another blog I write (Seeking Wisdom, Craving Grace -- I don't write there very often, and next to nobody reads it, but it's a place I find myself revisiting).  I thought of this old post today, because (1) I've been studying Revelation and we are getting into the part about the persecution of the saints, and (2) I read a book over the last couple of days, and the end of this book dealt deeply with forgiveness, but the author did not cover this particular aspect of it.

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I write a lot about suffering here, probably because suffering is a Biblical reality that I find missing from much Biblical teaching.

(aside:  I am no masochist.  I don't write about suffering because I like it.  I write about suffering because I think there is a lack of solid Christian teaching on the subject--not that I am claiming to be solid, but an attempt at teaching is better than no teaching in an area that most people don't care to broach.  I write about suffering because Christians who are suffering need to know that it is a normal part of life on a fallen earth and does not mean that God doesn't love them.  I write about suffering because some Biblically uniformed people seem to think that the existence of suffering is somehow a proof against the existence of God.  But I don't write about suffering because I like to.  I don't like suffering any more than anybody else.)

One theme of the Bible is this:  you will be refined through suffering and trials.  It's stated over and over.  Off the top of my head, I can give you Romans 5:3-5, 1 Peter 1:6-7 and James 1:2-4.

This may not be our favorite or most marketable truth, as Christians.  But the Bible clearly tells us that we will suffer.  Jesus himself said, "In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world." (from John 16:33)

Honestly, I have not met many people who are worth knowing who have not suffered.  Suffering tenders people, deepens their ability to have compassion.  God uses suffering to make our spirits beautiful.  When we suffer, we learn things we could never learn in any other way.

I have always dreaded suffering, good results notwithstanding.  I am a Big Chicken.  I do not like pain.

Philippians 3:8-10 (ESV) says,   

Indeed, I count everything as loss 
because of the surpassing worth 
of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. 
For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things 
and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ 
and be found in him, not having a righteousness 
of my own that comes from the law, 
but that which comes through faith in Christ, 
the righteousness from God that depends on faith—
that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, 
and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 
that by any means possible I may attain 
the resurrection from the dead.

It does exhilarate me to think of casting aside "all things" as rubbish for the greater good of knowing Christ.  I am not sure how to do this, and I am quite sure that apart from the power of the Holy Spirit I am utterly unable to accomplish it. Still, the idea appeals to me.

However, sharing in His suffering, becoming like Him in His death... that scares me a great deal.

Suffering for Jesus makes me think of Christians in countries where it is illegal to be a Christian.  It makes me think of being thrown into prison, starved, beaten, tortured.  Because I have a pathologically vivid imagination, I will spare you the details of all the things it makes me think of.  Suffice it to say, it scares me to death.

I may be called to suffer like that.  Some people are, and some people are not.  But we are all called to suffer for Christ, and there are other, more every-day ways that God accomplishes this in us.

For instance, the other day I was reading and thinking about Ephesians 4: 32 (ESV),

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, 
forgiving one another, 
as God in Christ forgave you. 

Forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.  What does that mean?  How did God in Christ forgive me?

In Christ, God forgave me by bearing the consequences of my sins Himself, in His own human body that He indwelt in order to accomplish the task (see Philippians 2:5-11).  He did not simply say, "Whooops!  You made some mistakes, but no big deal. I'll just forgive you, and you can start over with a clean slate, don't worry about it.  It's no big deal.  It doesn't matter."

It does matter.  Our sins are a very big deal, an offense against the perfect, holy, almighty Creator of the Universe.  Our sins do not just vaporize and blow away in a gentle breeze.  It was not, could not be, that easy.  To free us from the consequences of our sins, Jesus had to bear the consequences Himself.

Forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.   

This means that we forgive others, as Christ did, by suffering the consequences of their sins.  We bear the brunt.  We suffer what the person who hurt us should rightfully suffer.  And we do it because it's what Jesus did for us; it's the pattern He laid down.  We, like Jesus, must hold out mercy and self-sacrifice to our enemies, rather than demanding vengeance.  We must suffer, like Jesus, and entrust our souls to God, believing with all the faith He has given us that God Himself will take care of the ending.

This is very hard.  It is unpalatable.  But it is what the Bible says. 

It is hard, but we have opportunities all the time.  We don't have to wait for the government to make Christianity illegal and throw us into prison.  We can share in the suffering of Christ every time someone wrongs us and we choose to absorb the hurt with forgiveness.

And as we trust God, He will make all things right.  As He raised, restored and glorified Christ, so He will raise, restore and glorify all of His children after we have struggled to learn, to trust, to take up our crosses and follow Him.

Forgiveness, yet again

I keep coming back to forgiveness.  It seems to be a major theme on this blog.

I didn't know it was such a major theme in my life.  Yet, life in a fallen world leads to hurt and pain, and hurt and pain point to our need to forgive over and over again, or as Jesus said, seventy times seven times.

Forgiveness is more between you and God than between you and the person who hurt you.  When you forgive someone, you tell the Lord, "I will leave this to You."  You trust Him to keep His word, "Vengeance is mine."  You pray for mercy for the offender, when you can.  You may need to pray for the ability to pray for mercy.

There is a mistaken notion that forgiveness means we pretend nothing bad ever happened, and we say, "It's okay; it doesn't matter; it's nothing," even though this is not the truth.  And then, in this mistaken notion, life proceeds exactly as before: perfect trust and openness is instantly restored, and the birds sing in dulcet harmony under the shining sun.

In reality, when we forgive, we say, "You hurt me, but I choose to absorb it.  I will not strike back at you.  I will treat you with respect.  I will hope and pray for your best."  This is incredibly difficult to do.  Honestly, I don't know how a person could do it in the absence of a relationship with God.  To forgive, you need the security of knowing that the Lord loves you and will never leave you nor forsake you.  You need to understand that when you absorb the hurt, it is Jesus in you, absorbing it with you, and Jesus is enough.  Jesus will one day bring justice to earth and make all things right.

When we choose to forgive someone who has hurt us, it doesn't mean that we instantly trust that person implicitly.  Forgiveness can be granted in a moment, but the restoration of trust can take a long time.  This is the way things are.  Trust is easy to break, and hard to rebuild, and just because you have forgiven doesn't mean that the restoration of the relationship is perfect and complete all at once.  God forgives us, but then comes the sanctification process, which lasts a lifetime.  Similarly, when you forgive someone, it means that you are opening the door to give that person a chance to work on restoring your trust.  While the person is working on this restoration process, you (having forgiven him) treat him with courtesy, kindness and caution.  Yes, it is wise to be careful.  It is not wrong to guard your heart.  Be wise as a serpent and gentle as a dove.

In my personal experience, there are two things that make forgiveness much harder, even, than it is in the first place.  One is when the person who hurt you does not admit that he hurt you and will not say that he is sorry.  The other is when the person who hurt you will not forgive you.  These are related, because in both cases, the offending party is saying, "This is your problem, not mine."  Blame-shifters are hard to forgive.  Unfortunately, blame-shifting is a terribly common human tactic.

It is a good thing to be able to recognize when you have been hurt, to name it and define it.  The longer you have lived in a place where this did not happen, the harder it will be to do.  Naming and defining a hurt is important; it is not the same as being bitter or bearing a grudge.  There may be times when someone hurts you, and he doesn't admit that he did.  He may say, "You are just over-reacting," or "You are ridiculously sensitive," or "You are irrational to interpret it that way." The situation will be compounded if other people join in with his voice, telling you the same things.

If you are hurt, you are hurt, rational or irrational.  If someone loves you, he will care.  Love is concerned with how it communicates with others.  Love "bears all things," which sometimes means that a loving person bears responsibility for how someone responds to what he has done.  A loving person would rather clear up a problem than live in a state of insisting that he never did anything wrong.  However, everyone doesn't love you, and you still need to forgive.  So if you are hurt, and whoever ought to be acknowledging the hurt and making amends is looking the other way instead, you still need to forgive.  You need to take it to the Lord.  If you can at least name the hurt, and talk to the Lord about it, He will help you bear it, absorb it and forgive.  If you have been hurt, you will not be able to forgive until you name the hurt and take it to God, so don't be afraid to do this.  God may show you, in the process, that things are not as bad as you thought, or that you had more responsibility in the beginning than you realized, but you will not open the door to this cleansing if you will not first name the hurt.

If a person comes to you and says that he is sorry, and asks for forgiveness, please forgive him.  I know that this can be a thing with (for instance) abusive husbands.  They sometimes come all sorry and repentant to their wives and say, "I'll never get drunk again.  I'll never hit you again.  I'm sorry.  I promise."  Here is a prime example of how forgiveness does not equal restoration of trust.  You can forgive and even set parameters, hedges, conditions:  "I forgive you, but I'm not going to live in a house with you until you have gone through a treatment program and we have seen a counselor on a regular basis for six months," something like that.  This is not an absence of forgiveness; this is forgiveness combined with a plan to work towards restoration.  This is a good thing.  It can occur in less extreme situations, too.

Sometimes a person hurts you and then says, "You are a bad person for being hurt by what I did.  I can't believe that you are acting like this.  I am angry and disappointed in you for acting this way.  I do not approve of your character, and I do not like your personality.  You are not a worthy person, and I do not value you."  This is incredibly difficult, but you still have to forgive.  It stings, I know.  I know.  But you can't walk through life bent down by the grudge that is held against you.  The Lord will help you.  The Lord loves you.  He rejoices over you with singing.  He shelters you under His wings.  He sent His beloved Son to die for you and bring you into fellowship with Himself.  He forgives all your sins and heals you.  He restores your soul.  When someone hurts you and then condemns you, go to Jesus.  Run to Jesus.  Place the whole mess in Jesus' hands.  Cast your cares on Him, for He cares for you.  He will carry you through.  He will handle it in perfect wisdom and power.

In this life, we are all fallen, and we all make mistakes, we all sin.  There is no interpersonal relationship, ever, where one person is completely at fault and the other person is completely innocent.  Only God is perfect in all His interactions with us; in our relationship with Him, each of us is completely at fault and He is completely perfect.  Yet He forgives us.  This is why we must always forgive one another, fellow flawed souls that we are.  We have no excuse.

Ultimately, it is good for us.  It releases us, makes us free, gives us peace, restores our joy.

Thankful for forgiveness.

 "This is my blood of the covenant

which is poured out for many

for the forgiveness of sins."

Matthew 26:28 (NIV)

We don't like to think of ourselves as sinners,
yet, we cannot deny that we sin.
Some lie, cheat and steal,
some carouse and fornicate,
some even murder,
while others lock themselves in bulwarked fortresses
of selfishness and pride,
ungrateful, unkind.
We all sin, and we all need the forgiveness of Jesus.

He offers forgiveness, full of grace.
He paid, the only one who could,
the only one perfect and holy and able to absorb the wrath of God--
He bought our forgiveness for us,
lavishly spending what we could never begin to repay or hope to deserve.

Are we humbled by this gift,
with hearts broken
as we understand our trespasses?
Do we grasp His gracious provision for us
breathlessly,
amazed,
and enabled to pass it forward,
forgiving those who have wronged us,
extending grace because we have received it?
Do we know that, forgiven, we are free and righteous?

If we confess our sins, 

He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins 

and purify us from all unrighteousness.

1 John 1:9 (NIV)

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
    so great is His love for those who fear Him;

as far as the east is from the west,
    so far has He removed our transgressions from us.

Psalm 103:11-12 (NIV)

What shall we say, then? 

Shall we go on sinning 

so that grace may increase? 
By no means! 

We are those who have died to sin; 

how can we live in it any longer?  

Romans 6:1-2 (NIV)

Jesus stood up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”  She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more."

John 8:10-11 (ESV) 

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

His mercies never come to an end.

They are new every morning;

great is Your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23 (ESV)

In Him we have redemption

through His blood

the forgiveness of our trespasses

according to the riches

of His grace.

Ephesians 1:7 (ESV)

I am thankful for forgiveness.