Day 82

Up to now, I've been mostly holding it together in regard to our kitchen project.

Up to now.

They did such a terrible job on the drywall, we had to ask to have it redone.  This after the new cabinets, appliances and counters had been installed.

Since that point, we have experienced many more days of waiting than of working.

Last week they were supposed to get the drywall fixed, but they weren't paying attention to scheduling.  We moved everything back out of our mostly functional kitchen on Sunday night, and hunkered down again in our bunker.  Nobody showed up on Monday.  On Tuesday morning, they popped in and spent a couple of hours covering everything with plastic, taping plastic over the openings to the rest of the house, just enough work to inconvenience us until the real worker finally showed up on Wednesday to take on the drywall. 

Since no work began until Wednesday, of course it was not finished by the weekend.

Although they taped plastic over a lot of stuff, they did not pull the brand new light fixtures away from the ceiling (I'd asked for that, but I get exhausted fighting for things), so over the course of getting the drywall fixed, of course they have gotten joint compound and paint on the edges of my brand new lights.  At least the ceiling looks flat now.  I've been googling, "Removing paint from light fixtures," and it looks like it's something I might be able to take care of once they are gone.  If they are ever gone.

Meanwhile, my allergies kicked in something fierce.  I don't know if it's lupus, or the rain that's been rolling through, but my allergies have been accompanied by incredible aching.  So between the aching and the coughing, I haven't been sleeping.

Not sleeping, I haven't been coping well with disappointments.  Do other people turn into basket cases when they are over-tired?  I am a basket case.  I have lost my grip.  I don't want to do this anymore.

I am so upset, and disappointed, and exhausted from being upset and disappointed.   I was not up to handling today.

This morning, I got put on the spot in our Bible study leaders' group meeting and had to lead the "opening" because I am a newbie and need to be trained in.  I felt foolish and awkward; the whole morning had been so rough, plus I hardly had a voice.

Afterwards, I tried to cheer myself up buying flower seeds at the grocery store.  However, when I went to check out, the self-check computer kept yelling at me to "PUT ITEM IN CART!" because the seed packs were too lightweight for it to register when I did.  I had to stand there for an excruciatingly long time until a lackadaisical store employee finally pulled herself away from nothing to saunter over and help me.

The drywall guy had worked at our house for a little while this morning, but then he went away.  I came home from the grocery store, and I was locked out of the front door.  Nobody was here working, and Shawn had gone to work, and I have no key to the front, and the kitchen, which you enter from the garage, is taped and plasticked off from the rest of the house.  In the end, I piled my groceries on the front porch and then went around through the kitchen and busted through the plastic so I could open the front door from inside and take my food to refrigerator in the basement.  The plastic will have to be somehow fixed, as the drywall sanding is not over.

I want this to be over.

I want to quit, but I don't think that's possible.

I don't even know what my options are.  I guess I don't have any.  I want my money back.  Yeah right.

Sometimes I look at pictures of the old kitchen, the one I thought I hated, and I wish I'd never ripped it out.  I didn't care for any of the elements they'd used, or the layout.  But at least the construction was nicely done. The workmanship was decent.

Sometimes I want to go away, to my parents' house, or to a sunny beach somewhere.  Anywhere that isn't here.

At times, I want to scream and kick somebody in the face.  Really, I do.  It's rather frightening.

I cry, but it does absolutely no good.  Crying only aggravates my allergies.

Right before the last time we moved back out of the kitchen, I cut out a sewing project.  I would like to work on it, but there is nowhere to lay it out.  Anyway, I am upset, and I have found that it is not good to work on a sewing project while I am already upset.

Also, Easter is going to be heart-wrenching because for the first time ever, three of my kids will not be able to be here.

Don't get me wrong.  I am exceedingly thankful for Jonathan.  I love Jonathan.  I am looking forward like crazy to seeing Jonathan.  And probably the kitchen won't be done anyway, so it's probably good that they won't all be here.  Right?  Right?

Easter will come, and Jon will be here.  We will eat out and do fun stuff.  Fun Stuff.  Yes.

Sometime after Easter, the kitchen will be done and I will be able to do my sewing project on the kitchen table, in the kitchen, with good lighting.

I am trying to look on the bright side, but the Bible passage from James has popped into my mind:  "Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit'—yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.  Instead you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.'"  (James 4:13-15 ESV)

Tomorrow, if the Lord wills, we will live and do whatever.  The Lord's will be done.

I wish the Lord's will was for me to sleep a long, deep, dreamless, coughless sleep and wake up feeling able to cope.