Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Searching for my stride

Ugh.  Blogger just changed everything.  Everything looks totally different behind the scenes.  Can I even figure this out?

I am far too old for this.

For Lent, I gave up Facebook.  I love doing that, because it really helps me blog.  Somehow, Facebook has a way of sucking up all my blogging time.  I think,  "I will just go there for a moment, check my notifications and leave, you know?"  And then I never do.  Leave, I mean.  Facebook has sucked an obscene amount of my life away.

And yet, I feel that Facebook is somehow less narcissistic than blogging.  On Facebook I can say hi to people who live far away.  I can wish people a happy birthday and maybe even encourage someone who is going through something I've gone through.  I can learn about prayer requests, pray for people, and let my friends know when I am praying for them.

On Blogger, I just write, because writing is what I love to do.  Once long ago, I was pretty good at writing.  Looking back at some of my old work makes me feel like the character in "Flowers for Algernon."  Seriously.  I used words that I don't even know anymore.

Lately, the stories I want to tell and the ideas I want to explore are just too big.  I am so tired.  I just get more tired every day.  Sometimes I pray and say, "Jesus, if I die, that's OK.  I'm OK with whatever.  If I don't see my children married and my grandchildren born, it's all OK.  I love you, Jesus."  This is not so much because I hurt or feel sick, just because my energy is seeping away and I can't imagine how long I can go on like this.  So tired.  I wonder whether I will die before I go bald, or go bald before I die.  Part of what makes me so tired is trying to clean up after all the hairs that incessantly fall off my head.

Today I scrubbed the tub and showers.  I used to do this once a week, or once every-other week, at least.  Then it fell to more like once a month (thank goodness we'd installed a water softener by then, and the scum wasn't building up much).  This last time, I think it went something like two months.  My back and neck went out in March, and I've been waiting and waiting to improve, for my left arm to stop aching.  Yesterday I looked at the condition of the bathrooms, and I decided that aching arm or not, it must be done.  So I did it.  When DJ comes home from campus and asks me what I did today, I can tell him that I scrubbed the tub and showers. 

I also did laundry and started a corned beef.  I did not, however, make it to the store, and we are out of a few things.  On the bright side, we have corned beef, and we will eat tonight.

Yesterday I bought bananas at the store and they punched the code in all wrong.  They charged me for "sno pea leaf" which (whatever it is) costs $5.99 per pound.  Bananas are 44 cents per pound.  What should have cost me $2.04 came to $27.73.  So, besides getting some things we are out of (most traumatically, puppy treats),  I need to go get my $25 back from the wrong charges.  Oh joy.

Well, this was a whiny one, eh?  Just imagine how bad it would have been had I written it in a private notebook and not in a public forum.

The lemons are wizening up in the fruit bowl.  Ice has been spitting down from on high at random intervals all day, pelting the poor little spring leaves and blossoms.  I need to send back our Netflick.  I bought a van yesterday.

Oh yes, I bought a van.  My husband is proud of me.  I am still second-guessing the whole thing.  My husband is in Baltimore for the week, which is why I had to buy the van.  I used to be so frightened when he traveled.  Funny how things change when you have two great big sons living with you.. two great, big, tall, muscular sons who love your cooking.

This is Jon, last year at the beach.  You can see his muscles here, but not how tall he is.  He is 6'4".  He has a black belt in karate.

This is DJ recovering on the floor of the dining room after a massive intake of turkey last Thanksgiving.  He is 6'1", 190 pounds, and he lifts weights nearly every day.  Although he did not dress for dinner, I love him very much.


Hope T. said...

I bought a van, too! It's a Honda Odyssey and we love it since it fits all the kids, even my big strapping sons. My biggest son, however, does not like my cooking and would much rather eat out or at a friend's house. It is so wonderful that you can cook and your family appreciates it; I am sure it is much more important to them than scrubbed tubs.

You don't sound whiny to me; you sound depressed. I know that you are dealing with some difficult physical problems but I also know how much depression can sap one's energy,too. I have been struggling with it myself. I am going to try some amino acids which were recommended to me and see if they help. You know a lot about supplements and nourishing food so I imagine you have exhausted most of those avenues in your search for healing and that must be discouraging. I'm not sure what to say but when you are discouraged like this, I just want to reach out to you and let you know I am reading; I am listening.

Oh, and as for the changes on blogger, that is really crummy. I enjoy Facebook so much and they forced me to have the new timeline profile this week and I just can't understand how it works. It may seem silly but it is a little sad that they took away something that was working well and replaced it with a confusing jumble.

~Heather said...

I have a Honda Odyssey too! But my boys aren't big and muscular yet... they're not even ten years old.

ruth said...

Yes! I bought a Honda Odyssey... used, silver, 2009. Great price, but I think it was discounted because it had hit a deer in its history. I am praying that it will be OK for us. I didn't actually complete the sale, just made a deposit so the seller will hold it for us until my husband comes home. Used Odysseys in good shape for a good price are fairly rare around here.

We still need a van because we have to move kids in and out of dorms and such.

Yes, the changes on Blogger are truly crummy. It is so awkward trying to find where to go.

Thanks so much for reading. It means a lot to me. And yes, it is a huge blessing that my sons like my cooking. They will seriously eat ANYTHING. I could be in tears over a failed recipe (have been a number of times), and they eat it all up anyway. I am so thankful for them.

I have noticed that we eat quite differently now that the girls aren't here and I only cook for men. I had a friend over for quiche and muffins a few weeks ago. That was a treat. In the end, the guys finished off the leftover quiche with some pretty happy lip smacking too. :)