New Day

Yesterday was a bad day.

I tried a lot of things to get into a better mood. I even listened to a sermon online by my favorite pastor (Colin Smith) from my favorite book of the Bible (Philippians), and while it calmed me briefly, even that failed to have a lasting positive effect.

We had people coming over, which terrified me. How could I have people over when I was in such a mood? Finally, I went into my bathroom and just prayed. I asked the Lord to carry me, protect me, and particularly to protect the people around me from me.

The Lord is good and His mercy endures forever. That's all I can say.

I went to bed early. I told DJ, "This was a very bad day. I am ready for this day to be over."

DJ said, "Some days are like that. You just have to throw in the towel, go to bed, and hope for a better tomorrow."

Today my dog is really, really sick and I have to take him to the vet. But even so, I feel so much better than I felt yesterday.

I am thankful for a new beginning. I am thankful for a new day.

Bad Mood

Today I am in a Very Bad Mood.

I cannot even remember the last time I was in a mood this bad. I feel like I hate everyone and everything, although I know I can't possibly hate everybody. At least, I hope the Holy Spirit in me would prevent that, even when I am at my worst. My bad mood feels like a belt that is too small being pulled around the waist of a person who is too big: a choking, squeezing, painful, humiliating feeling. It's sort of like the emotional equivalent to a horrendous case of food poisoning, and I am smack in the middle of it.

And I don't even have PMS, so there isn't even that hope of it passing in a few days.

I am in such a bad mood, I went to Wegman's today, and I thought, "Maybe I should buy myself some flowers. Maybe some flowers would cheer me up a little bit." So I went to look at the flowers. A dozen roses are $9.99 at Wegman's these days.

I looked at the flowers, and I hated all the colors they had to offer. Hated them. That's how bad a mood I am in today.

A few observations

Today I will make a few observations:

First Observation
Those mothers who are all "Yay! Rah!" about the first day of school, the ones who wait all summer for it to happen so they can get their kids back on the school schedule, the ones who feel celebratory when the bus drives up... THOSE moms must be morning people. I am not a morning person. The school year is literally killing me.

Second Observation
6' 1" is a very nice height for a young man to be. David is 6' 1", and sometimes I think he might feel just the littlest bit short, because Shannon is also 6' 1", Shawn is 6' 2", and Jonathan is 6' 3". But I think David is a very good height for a young man: nice and tall, while still readily able to find ready-to-wear clothing on the racks of most department stores. This is a good thing.

Third Observation
When we put in our current internet service, it was connected to our cable TV service. We have a bottom-basement cable package that enables us to get only 14 channels for something like $13 per month. Before the world switched to whatever it is that forces everyone to either get cable or buy some sort of interpreter box, my only motivation for getting cable was to cut down on the technological paraphernalia sticking out of my TV set. But I digress. The point I am trying to arrive at is this: we did not get enough channels to enable our internet service to work. Having never taken physics, I do not understand this, but it has to do with the bandwidth on our signal (I think). Anyhow, in order to actually hook up our internet, they had to give us some rogue channels, one of which is ESPN... kind of. And by "kind of", I mean that ESPN comes in black and white with no sound.

Now this is perfect, as far as I am concerned. We can watch Monday night football again, like we did before it went onto ESPN, but now it is blessedly SILENT. Also, the picture is just as good as the pictures on my parents' old black and white TVs that we used to have when I was growing up, so there is a sense of sweet nostalgia. Last night we had a cozy family time on the sectional in front of Monday night football, silent, in black and white. There was conversation, and homework got done, and Shawn poked away at work on his laptop, and I curled up with a massive volume of P.G Wodehouse and a cup of tea, and read while keeping a lookout for sightings of Michael Oher. Bliss.

Fourth Observation
Yesterday I stayed off the computer except for about 5 minutes when I checked my email because Shawn told me (in a phone conversation) to look for something in particular. I stayed comepletely off the computer and did not visit Facebook even once, and yet I had an epically unproductive day. This is very discouraging to me. I hope I get past the jet lag that strikes me when the school schedule swings into gear. I am dying. Fibromyalgia is my nemesis. At one point yesterday, I just ached through and through... head, neck, joints, legs, and my eyes were as heavy as grocery bags with gallons of milk in them. Finally I staggered to the sectional in the family room and laid down with a blanket. This was, of course, the highlight of the day for the dogs. I was on my back with my knees up. Piper occupied my stomach, and Schubert slept on my feet. I kept telling myself, "Got... to... get... up...got... to ... get... something... done..." I felt like I had a 200 lb. weight spread across my entire body (of course, that might have been the dogs...). It was a chore to draw a breath. Finally, something changed, and I felt empowered to open my eyes and sit up. I thought it must be about 11 .a.m. It was 1:22 p.m.

Augh. I had approximately one hour and 20 minutes to get things done before Jonny would arrive home. I tried to spring into action, but it was more like a slow, painful lurch. I got some laundry switched over, tidied the kitchen, made the beds, folded the clothes, pulled a chunk of ground beef out of the freezer so I could make spaghetti for supper, and worked on the drain in the kids' shower (which is giving me fits). I am afraid that I am the laziest woman on the face of the earth. And that was a day with no computer. Sigh.

my prayer

Dear Jesus,
please help us all,
and show us Your will for our lives.
Please grant us each day the health and energy that we need
to fulfill Your purpose and plans for our lives.
In all that we do, help us to put You first,
and may the desire to know You
and to serve You
keep us focused on Your beautiful face.
Please help us to remember,
in every trial we face,
that is is not about us,
it is about You,
and it is Your gift to us of
Yourself,
Your presence and
Your fellowship
that we should seek above all else.
As the enemy tries to discourage and distract us,
please show us that
You are stronger,
You are greater, and
You are sovereign.
Lord Jesus, it is hard for us to face troubles
and even just changes.
Please help us as summer fades and fall comes,
bringing busy schedules
and stress to our children.
Help us to trust You and to find Your will.
Help us to be able to rest in You
and please give us the peace that
comes from confidence that
we are walking in the ways You have laid out for us.
Thank you that You are always with us
and that nothing comes as a surprise to You,
that nothing is frightening or overwhelming to You,
nothing is too difficult for You.
We lift every area of our lives us to You
and say, "Daddy, please fix these for Your good purposes."

Amen

How'd I do?

Yesterday's list (not necessarily in order):

1. Get Lu's things ready to drop off to Anne and Joe so they can take them to her when they go to Ohio. Fortunately, I bought the things I needed to buy (hangers and an umbrella) yesterday after dropping Jonno at marching band practice. This meant that I did not make tuna noodle casserole, but it was 95 and too hot to run the oven anyway.
*****
I did this. I actually did it quite well, I think.

2. Actually take Lu's things to Anne's house.
*****
Amazingly enough, I did this, too. I bought a new laundry basket because one of my old ones was falling apart. I was going to throw out the old one, but then I realized that it was the perfect size to fill with Lulu's things, and she can throw it away (or even keep it if she has any use for it). So at approximately 9 p.m. last night, I dropped off a laundry basket full of Lulu's stuff for Joe and Anne to take to her over Labor Day weekend. Yay for me.

3. Empty the clothes left in Lu's laundry basket into the bin I bought so that Shannon can have her laundry basket since I took over Shannon's for myself while she was in Chicago.
*****
I did this, too. It took about 2.7 minutes. I also (finally) finished unpacking from all our travels and put the suitcases and duffle bags into the basement where they belong. On the downside, I am pretty sure that I've lost my khaki capris forever,which is really too bad, because they actually fit me and were comfortable. They were one of my only pairs of capris that I could wear without a belt. I wonder if they are hanging on a hook in the bathroom of the bed and breakfast where we stayed in Evanston?

4. Organize the laundry room (OK that is probably way too ambitious, but it does sorely need to be done).
*****
No, I did not do this. To be perfectly honest, I did not really expect that I would. However, I did reorganize some cupboards, because I have lost the heartworm tablets for the dogs, the ones they were supposed to have four weeks ago now. I wonder how many cupboards I will have to reorganize before I find them? I am feeling rather sad about this.

On a brighter note, I went to the market in Bayberry yesterday and bought peaches, yellow squash and ginger gold apples. It was a hot, sunny day and I bought all yellow produce. I spent 11 of my 12 dollars. Lucky for me, the man knocked the price on the peaches down to $8 for the big box of them, rather than $10. Otherwise I couldn't have gotten the apples.

When I got back, the peaches were still very warm from sitting out in the hot sun most that 96 degree day (I went at 2:30 in the afternoon, so they had been out in the sun probably since 9 a.m.). At home in my air-conditioned house, I picked a peach from the top of the pile, a bruised one that I thought had better be eaten quickly. I rinsed it off and sliced it and popped a piece into my mouth. It was as warm as peach pie, and SO delicious. In the end, I ate four or five peaches yesterday. DJ says, "Well, we have a lot of them, and they are ripe, so we might as well eat them before they go bad." That's my boy.



Last but not least on my list for yesterday...

5. Pay some attention to Jon and his school schedule. With the craziness of getting the older three settled in their respective college situations, it can be easy to neglect the issue of Jon going back to school. It is familiar, after all, a familiar place, a grade that three of our children have already navigated, not a lot new. But it is new for him; he's at a new building this year, even. I need to remember him and let him know that he is special, too.
*****
Um, yeah. Jon spent the day with the youth group working on preparing a house the church owns for a new pastor the church just hired. After working, he went with some buddies from church to one of their houses to hang out, eat breakfast for dinner, and play basketball. I picked him up at about 6:10 in the evening, and rushed him home to get ready for his karate class at 6:45. As he was changing into his karate clothes, he casually mentioned that he didn't think he could stay for his second karate class because he had 10th grade orientation.

I cannot, honestly, explain the emotions I felt at that moment. Aghast is probably about as good a word as any.

I told Jon to go to karate, I would figure out how to get his schedule, and I had DJ drive him to his class. Then I called Jon's friend's mother who told me, "My son's orientation is at 7:30 tonight, but we are the last half of the alphabet. I think the first half of the alphabet was at 6:30." Well, by then it was 6:35, so in my sweaty clothes, no make-up, hair pulled back in a messy clasp, I ran out to the van (fighting tears because I am a total wimp) and raced to the high school. Fortunately , Jon is my fourth child and I know where things are. Unfortunately we have a new administration that is changing things up.

In the end, I got Jon's schedule, which is the important thing. At least, that's what I tell myself. I did not stay for the second presentation in the auditorium (having missed the first one). I hope this will not come back to haunt me. I needed to get home and make dinner. I was going to grill the chicken I had marinated. However, someone who grilled the last time left the jets on LOW, so the propane tank was empty. Some days are just like that. We tried to stir-fry it instead. We had stir-fried marinated chicken with yellow squash, red peppers and tomatoes, all topped with a sprinkle of parmesan cheese. Weird but tasty.

Today my goal is to stay home and not spend any money. I need toothpaste and evening primrose oil, but I am committed to figuring out how to make do. Anyway, I only have $1 left in my purse.

Look at the date...

I thought it was the last day of August today, but it is the first day of September. That's the way I am. I am usually behind, and I often miss things.

Today's list (not necessarily in order):

1. Get Lu's things ready to drop off to Anne and Joe so they can take them to her when they go to Ohio. Fortunately, I bought the things I needed to buy (hangers and an umbrella) yesterday after dropping Jonno at marching band practice. This meant that I did not make tuna noodle casserole, but it was 95 and too hot to run the oven anyway.

2. Actually take Lu's things to Anne's house.

3. Empty the clothes left in Lu's laundry basket into the bin I bought so that Shannon can have her laundry basket since I took over Shannon's for myself while she was in Chicago.

4. Organize the laundry room (OK that is probably way too ambitious, but it does sorely need to be done).

5. Pay some attention to Jon and his school schedule. With the craziness of getting the older three settled in their respective college situations, it can be easy to neglect the issue of Jon going back to school. It is familiar, after all, a familiar place, a grade that three of our children have already navigated, not a lot new. But it is new for him; he's at a new building this year, even. I need to remember him and let him know that he is special, too.

A good book

Last time I posted, I said I was the one without issues, but since then I have developed at least two, although one was resolved by a trip to the doctor this morning.

It was quite the indignity, but there you have it. It's over now, gone, snipped off with the assurance that it is 99.99% likely not to be cancer. Off to the lab with it, and all I have to do is go home and change a bandaid a few times. Whew.

Did you ever notice how true the old adage is, "It never rains, it only pours..." ?

Emotional avalanches are sweeping me away right now. What I would like, what I would truly love, would be to lose myself completely in a Really Good Book.

There is an utter dearth of Really Good Books out there. They are all about sex, first of all. Most of them are written by women. Although I would like to be an author, one of the things that seems to continually stop me is my memory of being a small girl at the Anoka Public Library, seeking a good book, and automatically putting back on the shelf anything written by a woman. I was too little to have learned this from anything other than my own experience with books. The books by men were just always better. Nowadays that is even more true, because not only are about 90% of books written by women, 99% of the books written by women are written by avid feminists. If there is anything I can't stand it's a book written by an unapologetic feminist who is acutely aware of herself in every way except the way she comes across to people who realize (not think, realize) that her position is flawed from the outset.

But this is not a post to lambaste feminists. I have many moments when I share sympathies with them, at any rate, so it would be hypocritical for me to act as though I thought I were better than they are. Many of them are very kind and real and generous and honestly trying to help each other. I just don't like their writing. Ever. I don't like rock music, either, and I recognize that this is a matter of taste, although it feels in my bones like a matter of morality.

There are some women writers I liked. I liked Lucy Maud Montgomery, Madeleine L'Engle, and particularly (and perhaps surprisingly) Maud Hart Lovelace.

I am having a terrible time reigning myself in today. I think it is because of the Tremendous Effort I am making not to think about or address certain other subjects that are bothering me, refusing to box up nicely into compartments in my subconscious. Very little of what I have written so far even reflects what is in my heart. My words above are like the flash of the camera that comes before the real flash, so that just as the picture is taken, you open your eyes and take the brunt of the piercing light directly against your retinas.

A good book is what I need. One written by a man, preferably British, ideally Christian. It should have beautiful scenes written in the English countryside, and cozy Christmases, an intricate plot with much suspense and many diverse and complicated characters and twists of events. There should be boarding schools and princesses, secrets from the past and delectable feasts. The noble characters should display their bold hearts and strength of character that spreads to strength of body, fighting battles against a seemingly invincible enemy and winning because it is simply right that they would. A really good book should have the plot of a Dickens novel, the timing and voice of C.S. Lewis and the poetic pathos of Chaim Potok. It should also have a happy ending... although, the ending must be unpredictable as well as happy.

That's all I want. I guess it's probably too much to ask.