A Year of Listening

 

My word for the year this year has been Listening.

It's hard, listening.  Sometimes all I seem to hear is the ticking of the clock, the roar of the water heater revving up, the rumbling of heavy construction equipment a half mile away, installing a new neighborhood in what used to be a pine forest, but is now a roadbed surrounded by crushed logs, pungent with the sharp fragrance of spilled sap.

Sometimes I listen with serious attention, and find myself drawn in to what someone else is expressing.  But then I burst in to "help" finish a sentence or complete a thought.  I forget the boundary between "me" and "you," and become offensively assumptive, imagining that we share the same thoughts and understanding.

Sometimes I try to listen by waiting, but after waiting for a very long time, I realize that the other person is not thinking about responding to me and has actually moved on to ponder something totally unrelated. This produces feelings of having been violated, a mingled sense of shame, pain and outrage that I must then try to master with grace that does not originate inside me.  This kind of waiting and listening is painful, but valuable in that it shows me things I never realized about the absence of connection, things I never knew back in the days when I prattled away unhindered, under the assumption that I was heard and understood by sympathetic ears.

I've learned that when I listen, I must consciously work to understand how the other person is different from me, and how those differences affect our perceptions.  I was under the mistaken impression that it was a gracious thing to assume that we are alike, that others understand in the same way I do.  No.  We must allow for differences, strive to understand them, and refrain from judging them.  An apple is not an orange; that is all.  Two delicious fruits, one full of vitamin C, the other replete with pectin and fiber.  We need each other, and we desperately need to learn from one another.  When we shut ourselves off from learning from someone, nobody knows how far the damaging ripples spread throughout humanity.

Personally, I feel most listened to when someone asks me questions.  I love when someone asks me questions.  I am not talking about interrogating questions or accusing questions, of course.  But when someone asks me how I feel about something, or what my opinion is about something, or whether I've had experience with something, these things make me feel seen, valued, loved.  While it is important not to project my feelings onto others, not to assume that others feel the same way I feel, I think perhaps other people might also enjoy being conversationally probed by someone who is interested in hearing what they have to say.

To that end, I have compiled a list of conversation questions.  If you are shy, like I am, if you struggle to get a conversation going, if you freeze up in the moment when you most wish you could graciously say something to put others at ease, perhaps you will find this list useful.  I have actually picked the most innocent of these questions, printed them out on strips of paper, and tucked them into a little cream pitcher that sits on a decorative cupboard in my kitchen.  When conversation lags, I can say, "Let's play the question game!  Do you want to pick a question, or should I?"  Obviously, I find this "game" very enjoyable.  But based on the responses of others, I think they like it, too.  Even the most reluctant are beginning to trust that this is not a threatening pursuit.  It gives us a chance to slow down and listen to each other, learn a little about each other, and grow closer together.

Conversation questions:

1.  What was the last really funny thing that happened to you, or that you saw happen?

2.  What makes you feel safe?

3.  What makes you feel happy?

4.  What have been the highest and lowest points of your life?

5.  How much of someone's personality do you think is molded by culture?

6.  What are the most important morals for the people of a culture to embrace?

7.  What is a miracle that happens every day?

8.  What is the purpose of art in a society?  Are there multiple purposes?

9.  Describe what a perfect city would be like.

10.  Who do you know who is living life to the fullest, and what is the hallmark of this?

11.  How are emotions useful?  Are they necessary for survival?

12.  What is a goal you want to achieve in life?  (Complete the sentence: "I could die happy if...")

13.  What is the best fiction book you ever read and what did you like about it?

14.  What is the best non-fiction book you ever read, and what did you like about it?

15.  Describe a fun adventure you once had with a good friend.

16.  Tell about an experience you once had when you felt very afraid.

17.  What are you thankful for today?

18.  Share how you structure your day.

19.  What do you hope for?

20.  What is your favorite way to spend two hours on a Saturday afternoon?

21.  What would you like to accomplish in the next year?  How could you plan to make it happen?

22.  What is one thing you could do in the next 24 hours that would feel good to get done?

23.  If someone gave you $200 and a day of freedom, what would you do?

24.  What is your favorite outfit or article of clothing to wear?

25.  In your home, where is your favorite place to be?

26.  What concern is heavy on your heart?

27.  Do you have a dream?  What is it?  ("dream" in any sense of the word you choose)

28.  Do you have a recurring dream?

29.  What is your favorite food, flavor or beverage?

30.  Tell about your favorite pet.  If you have never had a pet, tell about what you'd like in a pet, or why you choose not to have one.

31.  What is your favorite animal?

32.  Is there a place somewhere that you associate with particularly happy feelings?

33.  Whose life do you admire, or whom do you aspire to be like?

34.  Tell about something kind someone did for you once, and what your response was.

35.  Who, among those you know, is most like Jesus?

36.  Describe the positive growth you have observed in someone who is present here, now.

37.  Who have you seen use their abilities and resources generously and sacrificially to serve others?

38.  Describe what the ideal president of the United States would be like.

39.  Describe what an ideal pastor would be like.

40.  Describe what an ideal church would be like.

41.  What is humility and why is it so hard?

42.  Describe the ideal family.

43.  What priorities make life better, and what priorities are damaging?  (Try to think of 2-3 for each category... or this question could be expanded and used as a group brainstorm, but be sure to listen and acknowledge everyone's contribution.)

44.  What is the difference between sympathy and empathy?

45.  What are you afraid of?

46.  What are you looking forward to?

47.  What do you like to eat for Christmas dinner?

48.  Why is it easy to see pride in others, but difficult to recognize it in ourselves?

49.  Tell something about the best vacation/trip you ever took.

50.  What makes life meaningful?