Thursday, June 2, 2011


I am really tired.

Poor Jonathan still has about another month of school. Here is where my bad attitude kicks in towards the state of education in the state of New York. Although I can't believe it is June already, I have never conquered my anger at the system that keeps kids in school until the end of June. Shannon has graduated from college and moved away for graduate school, and Jon still hasn't even had his finals yet.

No graduation party this year. After doing a big grad party two years in a row, this year I am sort of in a lethargic funk about the yard. My perennial garden is about to experience a year of sabbath rest (that is to say, it is on its own this year; I wonder if it is a sin to couple "sabbath" with neglect?).

I have no heart to be in the yard. We had one of the most bitter, harsh winters on record. The rabbits decimated my shrubs (which I am not presently replacing). It has been cold and rainy forever. Then we had a spell of hot, sunny days over 90 degrees. I have trouble getting out to garden when it is 50 and raining, but I am not much more motivated when it is 97 and humid. It seems insane and unfair that these weather patterns alternate days around here. Whatever happened to 74 degrees or 82?

Most springs I have enjoyed taking my camera out and capturing the first unfolding blossoms. Yesterday I had to do some work on the pool, and while I was out I noticed that my columbine was blooming. I'd had no idea. It is really beautiful, but I didn't photograph it.

My rhododendron by the back hose spigot is also blooming, for the first time in about five years. So that is a gift from God, and nothing else.

My neighbor (behind and to the right) brought over some little vegetable plants she had bought that didn't fit into her garden, so that was a blessing. I stuck them into my vegetable bed yesterday, even though I'm not even sure what they all are. I recognized tomatoes, peppers and lettuce. I also had some volunteer lettuce from last year. And there is something growing out there that looks like a raspberry plant, so I left it to see what happens. As I was sticking these poor wilted nursery plants into the dirt and dumping water on them, I thought to myself, "And in June I will put out some green beans," because I did not realize that it was, in fact, June 1. I guess I will not do beans this year.

The doctor says I have Hashimoto's Disease, otherwise known as Auto-Immune Thyroid Disease. One of the symptoms is decreased mental functioning and another is forgetfulness, so that explains why I am stupid now. It also explains why I am always tired, why my eyes are so dry, and why my hair is falling out. You can't detect it with the usual tests for your thyroid, because it is your auto-immune system, not your thyroid, that is malfunctioning. Over the course of the disease, the auto-immune system will cause the thyroid sometimes to over-produce, sometimes to under-produce, and sometimes to be fairly normal. Ultimately it will destroy my thyroid and then I will test positive on the thyroid tests. The doctor said at that point my auto-immune system might very possibly choose to attack some other gland or organ in my body.

I see a thyroid specialist in two weeks. There is always money to be spent; or rather, there is always something requiring that money be spent, whether or not there is money. We also need a new van, because the one we have is not going to pass its NYS inspection tomorrow. And we are really missing Shannon's car since she left, and DJ needs a car to get to work and to his lab (we promised him one for his 20th birthday, which was a couple of weeks ago, but we have been so busy...).

I'm a little depressed. Depression and anxiety are also a part of Hashimoto's disease.

Maybe I will go back to bed.


Linda said...

Hey, Ruth, I'm not as faithful a follower of your blog as my mom, but wanted to tell you that there is life after a Hashimoto's diagnosis. My daughter is 33 and was diagnosed with it about 16 years ago. She is on a daily dose of synthroid and has done very well. The only tricky part is getting the dosage right and that was probably harder for her, as a teenager, because of growth and weight changes. She's very active and healthy on her thyroid replacement. I'm sure that you'll feel better, soon.

ruth said...

Thank you Linda. I am hoping that I will feel better soon. I am really hoping that some of my hair will grow back!!

Hope T. said...

Ruth, It is difficult for me to get out of bed most mornings, too. I know it is a little different since I am tired because I am depressed and you are depressed because you are tired. Many of the same discouragements follow, however. It is hard being middle-aged and feeling as if I will never really be the kind of person (and the kind of mother) that I dream of becoming. Sometimes it is big things that bother me and sometimes little things concerning my lack of people skills or all the holes in my knowledge about housekeeping. I identified with your previous post, also, about wanting someone to come alongside of you and show you things like oiling woodwork. I have to admit I know nothing about oiling woodwork and I am struggling with more basic functions but I understand the sentiment.
I also lose hair, a lot of hair. What a pain that is but getting it cut did not help matters any. The drain still has to be cleaned out every day and my kids still find random strands in their mouths.
I don't want to be a downer because I do worry about you with all the pressures you have, as well as medical diagnosis, and I don't want to add to your sense of heaviness. But I also know that you probably have people who are lifting you up and encouraging you in real life, so I am hoping that some commiseration by someone on t in a similar place will also be some small comfort.

Hope T. said...

This is somewhat off-topic but to continue our "book talk": I recently read "Cold Comfort Farm" by Stella Gibbons and I think you might like it. It is one of those things that the reader either loves or can't stand. I recommend it to you, though, thinking that it just might fit with your sense of humor. It was a nice read for me, in which I laughed aloud several times and chuckled many others. I wish I had another like it right now.

Ruth said...

I've read "Cold Comfort Farm." We own it... I think it is hilarious, if a bit naughty. There is also a really well done BBC movie of it. :)