Still here, still trying

I’m still alive!  That seems a very egocentric thing to say, although it is unquestionably true.

I haven’t been blogging because I’ve been busy.  Of course, that hasn’t ever really stopped me before. I’ve also not been blogging because of privacy issues.  So many privacy issues.  So many people in crises.  So many unsharable things on my heart.  So much need for wisdom that is beyond me.

Also, in the middle of August, I slammed my left index finger in the front door, hard.  It bled for days, and then became numb for weeks.  Just recently, it grew enough to to expose the dead part of the nail that had been under the skin, so now the loose, dead, back edge of the nail is starting to catch on everything, and I have to keep a bandaid over it.  All this, simply to explain that typing is difficult with an impaired left index finger.

We have arrived in NC and landed in our new home, with all our boxes and some furniture.  Precious friends from our church helped us with this process, and it was a true and bountiful provision from God.  We could not have done it without them; yet, here we are, and I even made a batch of gluten free cookies on Sunday.  We are that functional!

Unpacking proceeded slowly, but steadily, until Sunday evening when I began a headache.  It escalated throughout Monday, but I kept chipping away at my list until about 6 p.m. when I placed a dish of enchiladas into the oven to bake, and collapsed in a lupus haze.

Today I sit in bed, resting, thinking about blog posts I want to write (i.e. ideas I want to explore)

(1) The difference between worry and empathy, and also the fine line between them, and possibly how frustrating it can be when people tell you not to worry when you are really only empathizing, and you wonder how they can avoid empathizing, and not only that, but how they can avoid empathizing and experience no guilt for their lack of compassion.

(2) Two kinds of approaches to living: living to win, and living to experience.  Both have some benefits; both have some drawbacks.  Which direction is our culture skewed, and how can we find a healthy balance?  (Also how does the structure of our educational system feed into this?)

(3) Stages in Christian growth and development, and how our cultural abhorrence for any kind of pain inhibits it.  I suspect that one must experience suffering in order to become spiritually mature, but in addition to exploring that, I want to try to figure out what stages of growth may accompany or precede the stage of suffering.  There is also a connection between humility and suffering, in giving up one’s own interests for the interests of others, and yet ultimately this leads to joy.  I need to spend some extended time thinking through these things.

Will I ever come back to these things?  Maybe after some long rest, and after unpacking another bunch of boxes.  After updating my driver’s license and making an appointment with a new primary care doctor.  After many other things, perhaps so many that the thoughts will all have vanished by the time I get back here.

I have to admit, although it is simply lovely here, it doesn’t feel like home.  It feels like being on vacation. The Midwest felt like home... such an odd thing that I have beautiful memories and impressions of my time in the Midwest, even though it is where I experienced the greatest tragedies of my life, so far.