Needing help

Today I was going through things.

It is a good thing I was, because of the impending move.  There may be no chore I like less than going through things.  Yet, I was doing it, nervous energy pumping through my body, hands a bit shaky, nausea surging deep in my belly.

I tackled the desk that doubles as a sideboard in our dining room.  The first drawer was empty (yay me!).  The second was almost empty, and what was left had clearly been winnowed.  The third drawer was plumb full of years of old Christmas cards.

A few days ago I was tackling discarded purses, and in an obscure inner pocket of one, I found a crumpled up envelope on which Shawn had scrawled, "Ruthie, do NOT throw away!!!"  It felt empty, but I figured I ought to look before I tossed it.  Lo and behold, it held a $100 bill.

This event was both happy and terrifying.  It's great to find a random $100.  It's terrible to know that you are so bad at life that you had actually lost $100 and never realized.

After that experience, I figured I better go through the cards before I threw them away, to make sure I wasn't pitching any cash.  Sure enough, amongst the Christmas cards, there was a birthday card from my parents, from 2014 (five years ago), with a birthday check (from 2014).  We shredded it for security purposes.  I felt sad and guilty, frightened of my gross incompetence, ashamed of what would appear to be ingratitude.  How in the world am I going to handle all the details of a move?

Granted, I always have a lot of trouble with my birthday, since it is three days before Christmas, and throughout my adult life I have never lived in a place where I could enjoy the support of extended family at Christmas time.  All of the planning and preparation for absolutely anything that happens falls on me.  My birthday inserts itself on a day when I am always crushed by Christmas preparations, totally overwhelmed.  I never know, by the time January rolls around, what I got for either my birthday or Christmas.  I am just relieved if I was able to coast through all the obligations that were on my plate.

But still.

Oh Lord, I am having trouble believing You can hold together a panicked dreamer like me through this process, and help me interface with the nuts and bolts of reality.  Please, please help me... with my responsibilities, and with my unbelief.