Humility and polite words

Manners are fading from our culture, which is a shame.

Manners are training that teaches us to put the interests of others ahead of our own interests.

Fairly recently, somebody blew me away with the comment that you should teach your children always to hand someone a cup or a pitcher with the handle extended, so the other person has an easy time taking hold of it.  I had never been taught that, nor had I ever done it, or even thought of it.  Yet, it makes perfect sense.

Think of others.  Care for others.

Here's the thing:  When everyone is humble, caring for others, it frees people not to need to protect their own interests.  When all the people are grasping for their own individual rights and privileges, it is terrifying to think of being the first to let go and lay down your own rights for the good of others.

What are our rights, anyway?

The United States of America has given unprecedented rights to her citizens.  Never before in history have the people of a nation been granted so many rights and freedoms.  However, along the way, we have become accustomed to our rights.  We take them as a matter of fact.  I can vote.  I have the right to a fair trial.  I have the right to a free education.  I can own property, travel basically anywhere I wish, and express myself freely.  I can even run for political office, if I am so inclined.  These things are a matter of assumption, and in the case of the free education, many don't even appreciate it.  They see the blessing as a burden.  I'm not sure how it is in Western Europe, but here in the USA, the prevalent attitude is one of assumed entitlement.  We do not tend to be thankful for our freedoms; rather, we assume that we deserve them.

As this attitude becomes more habitual, we forget to guard our freedom, because we forget that it is precious and that it was won at a cost, at the price of many who died in battles to attain it.  We do not remember life before the Bill of Rights.  We somehow become deluded into assuming that freedom has always been.  We think freedom is simply the natural way, and everyone knows that everyone is free and equal, and everyone automatically ought to be able to do whatever he wants to do, so long as he isn't killing or stealing, and actually, it's okay to kill or steal, too, as long as you are only doing these things to those who don't count because of certain factors, like their belief system or their income level or their age or their abilities (or, more accurately, disabilities).  I hope that you can see that I am saying that these assumptions are crazy and dangerous.

I long for a return to humility.  We used to be ashamed to be selfish and prideful, but now we revere selfishness and admire proud people.  I long for a return to humility.

Humility listens.  Humility wants to know what others think and feel.  Humility cares.  When there is a conflict, humility rolls up its sleeves, enters into the muck, seeks resolution and says, "I'm sorry," for whatever part it played in the problem.

Humility says, "I'm sorry," when someone gets hurt.  Humility is more concerned about restoration and resolution than about defending its own position.  Humility is willing to examine whether or not it was right, and admit when it was not.  Humility says, "I'm sorry."

Humility doesn't presume to deserve things.  So, when humility wants or needs something, humility says, "Please."

"Please pass the salt."

"Please, can you help me find my glasses?"

"Please, could you put gas in the car today?"

"Please listen to me."

"Please forgive me."

When we say "please," we are not ordering or commanding. We are requesting that someone do something for us that we do not deserve, something that requires kindness of heart.  Some people misuse the word please.  They add it to a command, to promote additional obligation: "Please stop hitting your brother."  This is unfortunate, because it warps the meaning of the word.  "Please" means, I know I am asking for something I do not deserve, but if it would please you to do this kindness for me, I would be very grateful.

Speaking of being grateful, the last polite phrase I want to discuss is, "Thank you."  Humble people are much more thankful than prideful people, because they see life from a different slant.  Instead of raking in advantages as a matter of course, humble people accept each good thing as a blessing and a gift, unexpected and delightful.  Humble people recognize grace for what it is: undeserved.  Since humble people do not set out expecting to receive assets and boons at every turn, they respond to blessings with gratitude and joy, wondering why they, of all people, should gain such treasure, whether it be a cozy home, a caring phone call, a faithful spouse, an award, a soft blanket, a check in the mail or a glass of milk.  They are filled with gratitude.

In fact, I think a return to manners in our culture could possibly start with the cultivation of grateful hearts.  If we could learn to feel grateful and say, "Thank you," perhaps we would soon become more automatic at saying, "Please."  By the time we get those two truly ingrained into our hearts, perhaps we would find ourselves enough attuned to others that we would also say, "I'm sorry," when it needs to be said.

I'm sorry.  Please.  Thank you.  When spoken from the heart, these are hallmarks of humility and the building blocks of healthy relationships which, ultimately, form healthy cultures and civilizations.