The Lord is teaching me humility, and it is hard.
It's hard for many reasons, one being because I didn't know how lacking I was in humility. I thought I was a pretty humble person. One thing He's showing me: thinking I was humble was a prideful attitude.
I pray that God will make me genuinely humble, and that this process will result in the beauty of Christ being magnified. Although being humbled must by nature involve a certain amount of humiliation, I do pray that the Lord will humble me without shaming me. Psalm 34:5 says, "Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame." May it be to me, O Lord, because of Your mercy, faithfulness and goodness.
During this challenging journey toward humility, I hit a rough patch awhile back. There was a week when I struggled in ways that are difficult for me to understand. One day, I literally spent all day in bed doing sudoku. I got up at one point, showered, put on clean pajamas, and went back to bed. I was not sick, but I was mildly dizzy, had no appetite, and had no energy. I kept doing sudoku puzzle after sudoku puzzle, sort of desperately clinging to the idea that if I could solve sudoku, my mind must still be functioning.
If you are not familiar with sudoku, I will describe it. A standard sudoku puzzle is a grid of 81 squares, 9 x 9. Thus, it is also a grid of nine 3 x 3 boxes of squares. The trick is that each horizontal row of nine, each vertical column of nine, and each cubed box of nine must contain the digits 1-9. They provide a grid with a few digits in place, and your job is to fill in the missing numbers.
These puzzles range from "easy" to "very difficult," depending on how many numbers are provided for you to start, and which numbers.
I generally start by examining each box of nine, going left to right, top to bottom, and figuring out if there are any numbers I can fill in, based on what information is available. After a first pass through this way, it is sometimes worth making another pass through, if I picked up a number of digits the first time. Sometimes in a cube, I can ascertain that a particular digit must be in one of two boxes in that cube. If I can get that possibility down to 2, I mark the digit in the lower left corner of the boxes (moving to the right, if the box is one of two for various digits). Then, if a different digit winds up belonging in one of those 2 boxes, I can know for sure that the other one is the box for the digit I've marked. This works best at the beginning of the process and becomes confusing and easy to mess up as the process continues.
When that technique has been exhausted, I move on to examining individual squares, to figure out what they might be, based on what is already present in the row, column and box that contain the square. At this point, I "mark up" the boxes by writing all the digits that could possibly be in the box in a very tiny row across the top. In "easy" puzzles, I find that usually I can limit myself to marking up only boxes with 2, or maybe 3, possible digits, but in "very difficult" puzzles, I wind up with lots of marks in lots of boxes. Sudoku requires a hearty eraser.
At the beginning of a puzzle, you can usually fill in a few boxes without too much trouble. As you go along, it gets harder and harder, and you almost always hit a point where you feel stuck, and nothing is happening. At this point, I find that the best thing to do is be patient, and just plug away, marking up boxes and looking up and down rows, across columns, and through cubes for anything you can eliminate as a possibility. There is almost always a point at which you have thoroughly marked a puzzle, when you see something that makes the whole thing break loose: because this particular square is this number and not that number, then a long chain reaction ensues, resulting in the ultimate solution of the puzzle. Thus, the final solution of the puzzle is almost always immensely satisfying as a rush of pieces fall into place. No matter how long I may have agonized over a puzzle, once the solution breaks loose, I get a thrill that makes me want to dive right into another one.
Shawn mentioned that he thought I liked doing sudoku because I can solve a puzzle, reach a solution, tie everything up all neat and tidy. Life isn't like that. Life is out of control. But, if I am patient, I can control and solve a sudoku puzzle.
Sudoku has encouraged me in patience and perseverance. Once I did a Very Difficult one. It took me three days (I'm not very smart-- but, of course, at that point I wasn't spending all day in bed with it; I was doing laundry, shopping for groceries, cooking and walking with my friends, so we are not talking about three solid days). It took me three days, because once I got it marked up, I poked and checked and cross-checked and looked and thought, but I couldn't get to the place where a discovery broke loose the chain reaction. I was simply stuck. Finally, on the third day, I decided that the only remaining tactic was to start trying options and see what happened. I printed out some blank grids, and copied over what I had already solved. Then, I started with the upper right cube, which was missing three numbers. Based on what else was missing from the puzzle, the three missing numbers could be arranged three different ways. I filled in one possibility and worked through the chain reaction that ensued. It was not the right solution. I started over with a fresh grid and a new combination. That one didn't work either. The third (and last possible) combination worked. I solved the puzzle. It wasn't beautiful. It was a messy and painstaking solution. But I figured it out. Patience and perseverance got the job done.
Sudoku books have an answer key in the back. I'm not going to lie. Sometimes when I'm working a really hard puzzle, I'll run a check halfway through, to make sure the numbers I've already figured out are right. I hate to invest hours of time into a puzzle with faulty data. I make rules for myself, about how much I can look at the back. My main rule is that I cannot place any number in the puzzle unless I myself can work out why it belongs in the box. I also have a rule that I have to work forward. I can figure out a number and then check it, but I can't look up a number and then work backwards to justify it. Nevertheless, I think the answer key is a good resource, and in a way it is like having God's Word. It's different, of course, because we should never restrict ourselves from reading and applying God's Word. Yet, I think there is a valuable concept here, that God's Word is most valuable to us when we have experienced it, worked it out in real life, in practical ways. Just reading the Bible academically and gaining head knowledge is sort of like looking up answers in advance for a sudoku puzzle. On the other hand, taking the Word into our hearts and living by what we have learned is like working through a puzzle and then checking how it matches the answer key at the end. Problem solving resources help us most when we are fully invested in working through the problem on a deep level.
When I first discovered my affection for sudoku, I thought it was because a solved puzzle contrasted so clearly against the messiness of real life. However, as I pondered it, I realized that in the end, all the plans and purposes of the Lord will be revealed to be perfect. I have faith that the answer key for my sudoku puzzle will reveal a valid solution, and I have a much greater faith and hope in Christ, that by His design and power, everything will be made right at the end of this age. The time-space continuum of the universe is like a vast, multi-dimensional sudoku puzzle. It's not a flat, 81-square grid on a piece of paper. It's a living, moving puzzle of nearly infinite numbers and dimensions, contained in the Mind of God. God has authority and dominion over every part of it, and He is patiently working out the kinks, fixing every defect caused by sin, always creating more beauty and grace. His loving attention is perfectly effective. He has a purpose and a plan for everything. When the final chain-reaction of order unzips under the care of His fingertips, we will be delighted and astounded, overwhelmed by His glory.
It will be okay. Everything is going to be okay.
Psalm 145:17
The Lord is righteous in all His ways
and loving toward all He has made.
Revelation 22:3-5
No longer will there be any curse.
The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city,
and His servants will serve Him.
They will see His face,
and His name will be on their foreheads.
There will be no more night.
They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun,
for the Lord God will give them light.
And they will reign for ever and ever.
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