So many books

In the packing process, one thing I find we have in super-abundance is . . .  books.

So many books.  Especially old textbooks.

There is a charity here called Orphan's Treasure Box.  They take book donations, and then they resell the books both online and in a sweet little bookshop.  All their profits go to support orphans.  We have been taking lots of books there.  Used textbooks can be of good value, especially if they are fairly current.

Last night, I was having trouble sleeping, thinking about books. 

Our kids tell us to get rid of their college textbooks.  "I can find whatever I need online," they say.  They never knew a time, like we do, when the internet did not exist.  The instant access to nearly infinite information is normal for them.  Not new, normal.

Last night, I thought about Revelation 18 and wondered if the fall of Babylon is about the fall of the internet.

The merchants of these wares, who gained wealth from her, will stand far off, in fear of her torment, weeping and mourning aloud... (Revelation 18:15)

For in a single hour all this wealth has been laid waste. And all shipmasters and seafaring men, sailors and all whose trade is on the sea, stood far off and cried out as they saw her burning.  "What city was like the great city?"  And they threw dust on their heads as they wept and mourned, crying out, "Alas, alas, for the great city where all who had ships at sea grew rich by her wealth! For in a single hour she has been laid waste." (Revelation 18:17-19)

If we throw away all the books and trust in the internet to catalogue and store all our information, research and learning, we will be devastated if the internet crashes and all is lost.  The internet is so new, so ethereal.  When I think how many times I've lost a document on my computer, after hours of work, I cannot imagine entrusting this electronic nexus with the wealth of the collective studies of mankind throughout history.  Even if it doesn't crash, it could easily fall into hands that do not share information, but parcel it out to only the highest bidders.  Information could become the currency of the future.

I'm just saying.

I might keep a few more of these old science and math textbooks, if I can keep track of them.  I think we already mistakenly donated at least one box of books we had set aside to save.  Sigh. 

So many books.

Fighting for air

(my glads were short-lived; they are gone now)

I am beyond exhausted.  It's the middle of the night, and I can't sleep.

Aren't there psalms called Psalms of Complaint?  Or is it only Psalms of Lament?

My feelings are terrible right now.  I've been working myself into the ground, trying to get our house ready to go on the market, and we finally got it ready, and now there is an issue with the pictures they took, and I'm not even going to get a moment to relax, and the listing will be delayed yet again, and it's all running into the most terrifying schedule implications at this point.

I'm just going to list my feelings right now:

1.  I feel exhausted, worn out, depleted.

2.  I feel frightened about what the next two weeks will entail, and overwhelmed at the thought of managing the schedule.

3.  I feel terrified that we will have to complete the purchase of our North Carolina home before we are even able to get this house on the market.

4.  I feel disappointed that we are running out of time to visit our parents before the rollercoaster of this situation takes off.

5.  I cannot even believe that we are supposed to have a beach vacation with the kids, right when we need to be home keeping the house ready to show (my flowers will all surely die).  I cannot wrap my mind around the need to be planning and packing for this vacation.  I think I may have to skip this vacation and stay home to watch over the house sale and the dog, and miss my baby grandson's first trip to the beach.  I am heartsick.

6.  I feel like God has abandoned me.

7.  I feel like I am a very bad person, and I am being punished.

8.  I feel like I should be pictured on a poster that says, "Terrible Reflection of the Heavenly Father's Grace."

9.  I struggle with doubts of God's love for me, not so much because everything isn't going well, but because I am dealing so badly with how things are not going well.  I feel like a spectacular failure.

10.  I have a headache, and adrenaline is coursing through my body, and I need badly to sleep, but my mind races when I lie down, so here I am spewing my angst into the computer.

11.  I feel disappointed in my prayer time.  I tried to pray with Shawn before bed, but I couldn't do it right.  All I could do was beg God for help, all the while doubting that He will help me.

12.  I'm damp from my own tears, and I feel from the stinging in my eyes that they are starting up again.

God, I don't want to doubt You.  I don't want to doubt that You are there.  All this stuff around me had to come from somewhere.  I came from somewhere.  You have to be real, but I struggle to embrace that with confidence.  God, please hold me together.  Job prayed that You would let him die before he denied You, because he was afraid he would deny You.

Oh that I might have my request, that God would grant what I hope for, that God would be willing to crush me, to let loose his hand and cut me off!  Then I would still have this consolation--my joy in unrelenting pain--that I had not denied the words of the Holy One.  (Job 6:8-10)

I just need to be able to rest, to sleep.  Some people can turn off their minds.  How I wish I could turn off my mind.

At the end of the adrenaline, when I crash, I usually get very sick.  Once I had a particularly rough, sleepless night of mental anguish, and in the morning I had a blood test.  It came out with super high--actually diabetic--blood sugar levels.  They redid it a few days later, and I was back to my regular, healthy levels, but stress is really bad for you.  Stress actually can harm or even kill you.

I should be able to control this stress, but I cannot.  I cannot figure out how to control it.  Praying has not been helping.

God does love me.  He sent His Son, Jesus, to die on the cross for my sin.  God demonstrates His love for us in this: while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.  I know this.  How I wish I could feel it.

I need so badly to be praying for others, but right now I can't even master my own doubts.

What am I thankful for?

1.  I am thankful for the blooming pink impatiens in my flower bed.

2.  I am thankful for Shawn, who helped me wash windows this morning, and made me eat leftover pizza for lunch, which he heated up for me when I was too frantic and distracted to stop and eat.

3.  I am thankful that we had leftover pizza.

4.  I am thankful for Ken and Tascha who invited us to go out for lunch on Sunday after church, and introduced us to a place that makes great gluten-free pizza.  I am thankful for their friendship and Christian fellowship.

5.  I am thankful that Ken offered to help us get our piano to North Carolina, and even offered to drive a truck out there for us.  Amazing.

6.  I am thankful for my faithful friend Joy, who prays with me every week and shares her heart with me and listens to me share mine.  I am thankful for her special support and understanding about many things.

7.  I am thankful for my friend Carolyn, who has sold a number of beautiful houses, who was willing to come over and help me "stage" my home and even loaned me some of her lovely accessories.

8.  I am thankful for kind neighbors who stop by and tell us they will miss us.

9.  I am thankful for a loving church, and for people who ask us how we are doing, pray for us, and tell us they will come over and help us pack if we say when.

10.  I am thankful to live next to a beautiful nature preserve where we can go and walk when we need to de-stress.

11.  I am thankful for beautiful summer weather.

12.  I am thankful for water, which we need when the sun always shines and the rain doesn't fall, thankful for water and hoses and spray nozzles.

13.  I am thankful for the hope of a New Heaven and New Earth where there won't be any stress, or any other trouble.

14.  I am thankful that God showed his love for us in Christ, who died so that we could be made righteous, so that we can someday inhabit the New Heaven and the New Earth and be released from this poor broken world.

15.  I am thankful for air conditioning!  (It's blowing on me right now, and my shoulders are cold, but that's a blessing, because outside it is hot and sticky!)

16.  I am thankful that there were Rice Krispies in the cupboard, and I could eat them for dinner, even though I couldn't mess up my very, very clean kitchen.  I guess I am thankful that my kitchen is clean.  But it is usually quite clean.  It's just that usually I have the things I use handy to use, and now they are all stuffed away who-knows-where, out of sight.  Anyway, I am thankful for those Rice Krispies, because some supper is far better than no supper.

17.  I am thankful for comfortable beds, and I am thinking about trying to sleep in one again, before too much longer.

18.  I am thankful for a sweet friend who moved away, who was willing to share some advice and encouragement earlier tonight.  She told me that God is in control, and He is at work.  She didn't even know that I was upset about how things were going.  She was a blessing.

19.  I am thankful that I have neither a migraine nor back spasms.

20.  I am thankful for feather pillows.

Needing help

Today I was going through things.

It is a good thing I was, because of the impending move.  There may be no chore I like less than going through things.  Yet, I was doing it, nervous energy pumping through my body, hands a bit shaky, nausea surging deep in my belly.

I tackled the desk that doubles as a sideboard in our dining room.  The first drawer was empty (yay me!).  The second was almost empty, and what was left had clearly been winnowed.  The third drawer was plumb full of years of old Christmas cards.

A few days ago I was tackling discarded purses, and in an obscure inner pocket of one, I found a crumpled up envelope on which Shawn had scrawled, "Ruthie, do NOT throw away!!!"  It felt empty, but I figured I ought to look before I tossed it.  Lo and behold, it held a $100 bill.

This event was both happy and terrifying.  It's great to find a random $100.  It's terrible to know that you are so bad at life that you had actually lost $100 and never realized.

After that experience, I figured I better go through the cards before I threw them away, to make sure I wasn't pitching any cash.  Sure enough, amongst the Christmas cards, there was a birthday card from my parents, from 2014 (five years ago), with a birthday check (from 2014).  We shredded it for security purposes.  I felt sad and guilty, frightened of my gross incompetence, ashamed of what would appear to be ingratitude.  How in the world am I going to handle all the details of a move?

Granted, I always have a lot of trouble with my birthday, since it is three days before Christmas, and throughout my adult life I have never lived in a place where I could enjoy the support of extended family at Christmas time.  All of the planning and preparation for absolutely anything that happens falls on me.  My birthday inserts itself on a day when I am always crushed by Christmas preparations, totally overwhelmed.  I never know, by the time January rolls around, what I got for either my birthday or Christmas.  I am just relieved if I was able to coast through all the obligations that were on my plate.

But still.

Oh Lord, I am having trouble believing You can hold together a panicked dreamer like me through this process, and help me interface with the nuts and bolts of reality.  Please, please help me... with my responsibilities, and with my unbelief.